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Archive for November, 2010

Episode 41: …A Golden Thimble?

“I’ll tell you how I know, because fucking octopuses don’t turn me on! That is how I know, you degenerate fucker!”Candy says, slapping him again.

“It is octopi, not octopuses by the way and stop slapping me, I didn’t draw all these pictures or cartoons, I just love them,”Ray responds rubbing his face.

“That is just kinda weird, I mean how can you love a cartoon in the first place, it isn’t real Ray? And this whole robot love thing Ray, really? I mean I don’t see any tentacles on her either, Ray…”Darren asks him.

“Actually…”Ray says, walking into his room, and coming right back out with a blueish cone-shaped object in his hand.

“Is that a fucking tentacle dildo? You fucking pervert!”Candy yells at him.

“Yes it is and I only use it on Kyimi and on uhm, other guests. Not on me,”Ray says smiling.

“You sick little monkey,”Dawn says as she lights up a joint.

Dawn passes the joint to Joey, who takes a big ass hit and gives it to Chevelle. She takes a hit and hands it over to Darren. He takes a hit on the joint, and he stares intently at the blue-colored tentacle dildo. His eyes roam up and down every inch of the curved length of it, he appears to be imagining it doing things, and his mind keeps flashing to the tentacles that had reached out for him in that house. That house of horror, it keeps repeating in his mind the tentacles sliding out of the base of her throat over and over.

“Hand me that joint, and don’t even think about it,”Candy says, taking the joint from Darren.

Ray holds the tentacle dildo close to his chest and shakes his head silently, no.

“What… who… me? Uh… no that’s disgusting, listen if I could walk now I would smack the shit outta you Ray. Candy smack him,”Darren says and he sits back and takes a long drink of scotch.

Candy leans over and punches Ray in the balls. Ray cries out like a six-year-old girl and folds to the carpet like a wet newspaper. Ray lays there protectively holding the offensive tentacle dildo close to his chest while tears of pain, roll down his face. Ray reaches out with his tentacle dildo and turns on the vibrator, it wiggles and wraps around Candy’s arm she shrieks and backs away from him. Ray smiles and holds his Dildo close once more to his chest.

Joey lights up another joint and shares it with Chevelle.

“So are you going to tell us what the fuck is going on?”Mark asks as he and Vish come walking into Ray’s living room.

Ray sits up and wipes his eyes and limps into his room and hides the tentacle dildo once more. He returns and loads up a huge bowl in his bong and lights it up, he takes a hit. He then leans back and holds his balls in both hands to protect them.

“Well you see, we were driving down the road and we turned on the radio that Darren found in the helicopter crash. So then on the radio this guy is going on and on about some stuff and eventually he says he is selling some Elvis stuff. Now you know I love me some Elvis and so I got ya this,”Dawn says whipping out an Elvis jumpsuit from her backpack.

“What the fuck?”Mark asks silently as she holds the suit up against him.

“See that it is gonna look so good on ya, oh man, that is fucking hot!”Dawn is mumbling alot, looking at it.

“Them pants are going to be so tight on me it’s gonna be like putting ten gallons of shit in a five gallon bucket. If I had wanted to dress like the king I would have been a stuntman in ‘Honeymoon in Vegas’ with Nicolas fucking Cage,”Mark explains.

“So your saying ya don’t like it?”Dawn says frowning up at him.

“You are gonna have to soak that shit in bleach before I put it on, who knows where it’s been. A fella could come down with HIV, the clap and alot of other shit I can’t pronounce just looking at that fucking thing,”Mark tells her.

“Oh don’t worry, I will wash it first, but your so gonna wear it,”Dawn says, giving him the eye.

“Well I’ll be your fantasy, and dress up like the king, but your going to have ta, oh well actually Bo Derek didn’t ever wear a whole hell of a lot of clothes anyhow…”Mark replies smiling.

“You got a deal,”Dawn says, handing him a joint.

“That is a blessing at least you don’t have to wear anything outta Ray’s closet,”Candy says, laughing.

“Amen to that shit,”Dawn says.

“Hey, I wash her clothes, I mean come on I am not a savage or something,”Ray says.

“Oh, your something all right, you sick bastard,”Candy laughs.

“Wait a minute there is nothing wrong with my clothes they are alot more expensive then…”Ray suddenly claps his hands over his mouth.

“Wait a fucking second, this fucking thing has two fucking bullet holes in it!”Mark says, pointing to the blood stained holes in the jump suit.

“Well that’s not a problem, I can fix it with my Suzy B. Homemaker System in the back room,”Ray replies smiling.

They all stare at him. He looks back and blinks a few times. Candy shakes her head and Chevelle covers her mouth up and laughs behind her hand.

“Ray…”Joey starts to say.

“Well where do you think all those dresses came from? I am a good sewer!”Ray explains, “It is one of my talents, I just don’t grow weed you know. I’ve got a green thumb and golden thimble too.”

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Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 40: Tentacles…Really?

November 28, 2010 1 comment

Darren leans on Mark as they walk to the center of the road, they stand there for a few minutes until Dawn and Candy get to the end of the block and bring the trucks to pick them up and take them on to Ray’s house. Dawn is driving the semi and Candy is driving the Ford.

Mark and Vish help Darren and then Joey get up onto the tailgate of the Ford. They then help Chevelle up next to them. Hanzo limps over and gets up into his truck, he shuts the door and Dawn scoots over and Hanzo takes the wheel. He asks her a few questions about where to park his truck and she explains how to get to Ray’s house from there. It is a narrow driveway that runs past Dawn and Mark’s house to get back to the house Ray lives in at the edge of the woods so Hanzo decides to back his truck in so that is partially hidden back in there among the trees so that no one tries to bother with the truck. He swings it around at the intersection with the still burning house that had blown up earlier, the shell of the outer walls is all that is really left standing of the place.  He spins the wheel and the rear end of the truck slides down the driveway toward Ray’s place, he straightens the truck out on the drive and then swings it again once they get through the fence line and onto Ray’s actual gravel driveway. The drive turns at a forty-five degree angle at this point and widens slightly. Hanzo backs up along the left side of the road and parks on the shoulder of the road so that he is hidden by the bushes and trees from view from either of the nearby roads.

Darren and Joey sit on the tailgate of the truck while Candy drives them to Ray’s house. Once they get there the guys slide down off of the tailgate and Joey helps Chevelle down and Candy comes back to help Darren and together they all four limp into Ray’s place.

Dawn leads in the mother and daughter that they had saved from the bike gang. Dawn hands the mother a bottle Crown Royal and she smiles and sits down on the couch with her little girl in her lap. Dawn grabs a few packs of beef jerky and hands them to the little girl as well who smiles briefly.

“Everyone this is Elizabeth and her little girl is named, Marci,”Dawn says introducing them all.

“I am Joey, this here is Chevelle,”Joey says, indicating Chevelle who is wrapped in his arms on the floor by the coffee table.

“I am Candy and this here is my man Darren,”Candy says as she dabs Darren’s face with a dish sponge and a cup of water.

“Oh my god dude, did you see those tentacles…”Ray starts to say, as he charges inside the house with a huge bag of weed in his hands.

“Shut up Ray,”They all say at once.

“What…?”Ray asks.

They all turn and glance at the nine-year old little girl sitting in her mother’s lap. Ray begins to get an idea that the subject of tentacles might be better left unsaid. His eyes light up and he nods sagely to them all as if he finally got the jist.

“How would you ladies like to get cleaned up before we eat. I have a pig outside on the spit being barbecued and once everyone has had a chance to settle in and get washed up we can all eat,”Ray tells the newcomers.

“That sounds nice,”Elizabeth says glancing down at the blood-stained and tattered t-shirt she is wearing.

“I can give you girls some clothes, let me just run over to my house while you get in there and get started,”Dawn says and she takes off out the door heading to her place.

Elizabeth nods and standing up she follows Ray into the hallway where he shows them the door to the bathroom and hands them some clean towels from the linen closet.

Once the door to the bathroom shuts and they hear water running, Ray turns to them and with a gleam in his eyes says.

“Tentacles! Oh my god I want the tentacles! It had a hold of me and tossed me like a dart, they were so powerful man I cannot begin to tell you how long I have looked forward this moment!”he says, his entire body quivering with unexpressed glee.

“Shut the fuck up Ray,”Joey says from the floor, where he is sitting holding Chevelle and sipping from a whiskey bottle.

“You are a sick fuck Ray. Your sicker then I ever thought a person could be, we may have to put you down like a sick horse,”Darren says, in a dead-flat monotone voice.

“How can you always have wanted tentacles? It just happened while you were here cooking the pig, how could you have ever known about it Ray?”Chevelle asks in a hushed voice.

“She has a point Ray if you knew this kinda shit could happen, you might have given us a fucking heads-up!”Candy says.

“He isn’t saying he knew this was going to happen,”Joey says as he reaches over to grab a nearby magazine and tosses it to Candy.

Candy grabs the book and looks down at the cover. There in lividly-airbrushed photo-realistic color is a woman writhing on the ends of three separate tentacles while seven or eight more hold her in the air.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me…”Candy says.

“What is it?”Chevelle says looking over at her.

“He is into this shit, like he gets off on it. goddamnit Ray are you serious?”Candy asks him, while she tosses the book back over to Chevelle.

Chevelle reaches down and almost picks it up, but the book fell open to a full-page image of a girl being raped by a thick pulsating green tentacle. Her hand stops just short of the book and she cocks her head and glares at Ray.

“What…?”Ray asks.

“Whats going on?”Dawn asks as she comes back into the room carrying a bundle of clothing.

“Ray is a tentacle rape pervert,”Candy says.

“No shit Sherlock, take a look around this fucking room Candy, he has been into this shit for years now,”Dawn explains.

Candy looks around the room, there on the desk is a pile of DVDs on the covers of which multiple girls are getting raped by tentacles. There is a poster on the wall with a black background and in the center is a school girl looking at the viewer with green glowing tentacles reaching for her. Underneath is huge block copy are the words “Got Tentacle”. On the shelf to her left is a figurine of a girl getting grabbed by a set of mucus-covered tentacles. Then to top it off next to the TV there is a pile of magazines with such titles as ‘Tentacles Monthly” and “Demon Beast Invasion”. Candy finishes turning to actually look at the room for the first time and walks over to Ray and slaps his face so hard he staggers backward from the impact.

“How do you know unless you try it?”Ray asks.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 39: Shit Canned…

Joey lies in the street looking up at the star-filled night sky his mind going a million miles an hour. What the hell just happened? Did that thing in the sky down the street do something? Joey turns his head slowly to the right he reaches up and pulls his eye-patch to the side and sees the creature touch something on the ground and seem to be absorbed into it. There is a blinding flash and then the sky is empty. Joey sighs and puts the eye-patch back in place. Then it occurs to him, that the thing shrank down into something on the ground, it was down there with them now.

He sits up, looking down the street and there silhouetted against the fires burning in a distant front yard, a figure comes stumbling toward them. He cannot hold himself up he is to hurt from the explosion and he falls back down lying flat on the street.

“Shoot him,”he mumbles.

“What?”someone near by whispers.

“Shoot him,”Joey says a bit louder.

“Shoot who,”says Hanzo.

“The guy… shoot him,”Joey says.

“Tell it to shut up,”Darren says from a bit down the street.

Joey reaches up to his chest and thumbing the mouthpiece of his walkie-talkie says, “Shoot him.”

“Shoot who?”Candy says.

“Shoot what?”Mark asks.

“Who are we shooting?”Dawn asks.

“I am on the move,”Ray says breathing hard as he runs.

Joey can hear footsteps approaching, he shakes his head trying to clear the ringing in his ears and pull himself together.

“I’ll get ’em, I’ll get ’em… Okay wait a sec, who am I gettin?”Ray asks.

Joey feels around he cannot find his rifle nearby and he reaches out to his left and his hand encounters something wet and gooey. Turning his head slightly to the left he looks and sees that his arm is buried to the wrist in the gaping chest cavity of a torso, with no head, arms or legs. Joey yanks his hand free and rolls away to his right he comes up on his knees as he rolls and the head-rush surging in his brain along with the slime coating his hand cause an instant reversal in his guts. He opens his mouth and vomits hue waves of cascading booze and stomach acid along with a tiny nibble of Muenster. He nearly falls back down right into the steaming pile of his own disgorged stomach. His arms feel week and his head is pounding, suddenly there are hands under his arms and Ray is helping him stand up.

“What’s going on? Who are we killing?”Ray asks Joey.

“Him,”Joey says raising his arm and pointing it down the street.

“What are you babbling about I don’t see anyone down there dude. Are you ok? Why are you dressed like a pirate?”Ray asks.

“You fuck,”Joey says.

“Chevelle,”Candy says in the background, “I have a pulse, she is alive.”

“I can hear him, he is coming from over there,”Darren says from the jumble of the bikes next to the road.

“Who can you hear?”Ray asks looking over at Darren who is also pointing down the street toward the distant fires.

Dawn arrives and crouches down by Chevelle alongside Candy, “Is she ok?”

“I don’t know she is all beat up and barely breathing,” Candy replies.

“Help… me….  Help…. meeeee……”says a voice in the darkness.

“Who the fuck was that,” Mark says as he and Vish arrive and start to help Darren stand up from among the bikes.

“That was him, he has to die Mark, shoot ’em,”Darren says as he leans heavily on Mark.

“Help… me…”says the voice again.

“Wait, where is Hanzo,”Dawn asks.

“Here,”says Hanzo as he struggles to rise but falls back down again.

“What is a Hanzo?”Ray asks.

“A trucker that we met on the way to the dairy farm and we brought him back to buy some weed from ya Ray,”Dawn says from over by Chevelle.

“Oh a new customer, right on,”Ray says.

There is a sound of chains scraping across the road and them Mark looks up and sees someone stumbling out of the darkness. He pulls out his Desert Eagle and flicks on the flashlight mounted on the barrel. The beam of light races down the street showing a horrifically-burned figure stumbling toward them dragging one of its legs behind it.

“Hey that looks like Pete. Dude are you okay?”Ray asks trotting over toward the limping man.

“Help… me…”the figure says.

“Dude, oh man how are you still walking,”Ray says as he stops in front of the burned figure.

The lurching man stops and raises his hands which are held together with twists of wire.

“Holy shit dude,”Ray says as he reaches into his pocket for his multi-tool.

The man starts to shakes and tremble and each side of his stomach tentacles burst forth from his flesh splattering blackish blood across the road as they reach out and snatch Ray up from his feet. He is lifted up and tossed aside like a discarded Ken-doll through the wooden privacy fence beside the road.

Mark yells out and opens fire, “Die mother fucker.”

6 fifty caliber slugs tear into the body and head of the thing that was once a man. More tentacles burst forth they reach out toward them as the figure keeps stumbling forward.

“Fuck this guy,”Hanzo says as he gets up to his knees and holding both of his Desert Eagles opens fire on the man.

The bullets tear the corpses legs off and it falls with a splattering sound to the ground, the rest of the bullets tear into the chest and face of the man leaving a mass of tentacles writhing in the road. The thing thrashes around for a bit and then it fades to an unnatural smoke and vanishes into the darkness.

“Okay what in the flying dog fuck was that fucking thing?”Ray yells as he stands up from among the smashed planks of wood of the fence he is lying in.

“Dude it is a long story, let’s go inside and I will tell you all about it,”Joey says as he gets to his feet and limps over to Chevelle who has opened her eyes and is staring up at him.

“Come on you lazy woman, get up,”Joey says as he helps her to her feet.

“If I had the energy I’d slap your dick in the dirt,”Chevelle says.

“No problem,”Dawn says and slaps the fuck outta Joey.

“Yeah, no worries Chevelle we got your back,”Candy says and slaps him as well.

“Y’all some crazy ass bitches,”Joey says.

“You need ta shitcan that smart-ass mouth of yours boy, before these girls here smash your fucking teeth in,”Hanzo says as he staggers up.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 38: Sesame Street Rejects…

November 27, 2010 1 comment

“So Hanzo why don’t you follow us back to the house, I am betting it’s been a while since you’ve had a home cooked meal,”Darren says.

“Hell yeah come on over we got a pig roasting right now,”Dawn says.

“Right on that sounds good,”Hanzo says as he climbs up into his truck and fires it up.

Darren fires up the Ford and they tear ass outta there. They head back up Route 1 until they get to 20 and then they head south. There are lots off crashed cars and wrecked vehicles on the way so they cannot go as fast as they would like but they make fairly good time by way of stomping the gas when they can. They turn onto 20 heading west and the way opens up. Darren stomps on it and they take off as Candy passes around joints and Dawn passes around beers.  As they go past town there is a crowd of infected surrounding a truck way up ahead.

“Hey Hanzo you wanna take these guys out, I am worried the truck wont be able to survive it,”Darren asks into the radio.

“You got it man, this cow-catcher on the front works wonders in situations like this,”Hanzo replies.

Darren slows down their truck and moves to the side letting Hanzo roll past. The semi speeds up and although they are behind him when he smashes into the crowd they do get to see a great view of the body parts flying and the mangled corpses smashed instantly to jelly by the tons of steel under his command.

“Yahooo,”Hanzo yells into the radio.

“Nice one!”Darren yells back.

Hanzo slows down a bit once again and lets Darren pass him by once more they take the Deadwood exit and head away from town and back toward Ray’s house. Darren slows down a bit as they approach the turn to south street.

“Hey I hear gunshots,”Chevelle says.

“What?”Joey asks, in a wow I am stoned voice.

“Look over there,”Candy says pointing through the trees.

“Try to get Ray on the walkie-talkie,”Darren says.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about those things,”Chevelle says.

“Ray are you there? Come in Ray. We can hear gunshots man, what are you doing Ray?”Candy asks into her walkie-talkie.

“Shhhh,”a voice whispers on the other end.

“Hey Ray we are only getting static on this end, are you ok?”Candy says louder into the walkie-talkie.

“Shut the fuck up,”Ray says in a loud whisper over the sounds of rapid gunfire.

They listen as the echoes of those same shots going off reach them as well.

“We are nearby Ray what is the play,”Candy asks.

“Fuck him, he is hiding behind the bushes over there, you guys come up behind Shultz’s and be ready to fire as soon as you see them, they are out front of the Rogers house,”Mark says into the walkie-talkie.

“Got it, we will split up and come at them from Ernies house and from behind and on top of Shultzs”Dawn says.

They can see flashing bursts erupting from guns near Dawn’s house and more from the street nearby as well. Darren kills the lights on the truck and pulls over to the side of the road right by the South Street turn. Hanzo pulls up behind them and stops.

“Kill the lights and the running lights Hanzo, looks like we are coming in hot,”Darren says into the radio.

Hanzo kills the lights on the truck and quietly opens the door and slips out. They all walk across the street toward the swallow-creek separating them from the neighborhood. They hop across and Candy, Dawn and Darren take off to the left toward the closest house. Hanzo, Joey, and Chevelle run to the right hugging the road and watching the fight through the trees. They cross the road to the house on the other side and duck down behind ’63 Impala up on blocks in the driveway.

Joey drops to one knee behind the rusted car and sights his AR-15 along the hood toward the fire-fight. There are 5 bikers that he can see and muzzle-flashes from several more he cannot make out from his position.  He can see a bunch of motorcycles parked in the street, to him is seems that there are many more bikes then there are muzzle-flashes.

Darren runs up to the back of the house and stepping up onto the porch tries the handle of the sliding door, it is locked.

“So do you think we should break it or will they hear us?”Darren asks Candy.

“I…”she begins to answer him when a planting pot flies between them and smashes through the door.

“Fuck it,”Dawn says as she walks past them and into the back of the house.

“Ok then…”Darren says.

“Come with me, this is the Mrs. Shultz’s house she was on a cruise in the Bahamas when all this shit went down. She never made it back. The attic ladder is over here,”Dawn says leading Candy over to the hallway.

She jumps up and pulls on a cord hanging from the ceiling and a door swings down with a ladder folded up on it. They unfold the ladder and Candy goes up and ducks down to low walk over to the tiny window on the front side of the house.  She quietly slides it open and ducking through it crawls up the roof to the apex. She low walks down the back side of the roof keeping the apex between her and the fire-fight. She gets to the end of the house and lays her sniper rifle across the high point of the roof and looks for a target.

Darren hops down from the back porch and walks along the house until he gets near the corner, where the car-port starts. He stops as he gets close looking at a misshapen lump on the ground at the corner. He squats down and looks closer to find it is a dead biker, who is entangled under his motorcycle. The smell of cooked flesh is thick in the air from where the super-heated engine has been smashing down his corpse into the surface of the driveway.

Smiling down at the dead biker Darren takes a quick look around the corner and grabs the mouthpiece for his walkie-talkie where it hangs on the front of his utility vest.

“Yo, I am at the back corner of the Shultz’s car-port, I can see the targets, I count 4 in sight and at least another four or five muzzle flashes,”he says.

“I am out front of Ernies house behind the Impalla, I count 5 with another four muzzle flashes,”Joey whispers into the walkie-talkie.

“Just fucking shoot ’em don’t fucking count them you Sesame Street fucking rejects!,”Mark yells into the microphone.

Darren grins and ducking back around the corner opens fire with his AR-15. His first three-round burst hits center-mass on the closest biker. His second three-round burst hits a motorcycle, gas begins leaking out of it.

Joey takes aim on the closest biker and squeezes the trigger, the three-round burst smashes into him knocking the biker to the ground, his finger squeezes the trigger of the shotgun he was holding and the tungsten buck-shot skips off of the pavement creating a spark which ignites the gas which is pouring from the bike Darren shot. The motorcycle is engulfed in a wreath of fire lighting up the scene.

From the roof several shots ring out in rapid succession as Candy joins the fight. Bikers fall with their heads exploding from the steel-jacketed rounds of the Predator Sniper rifle she is holding.

One of the bikers stands up from behind the mass of bikes and charging he hits the front windows of the house smashing through the glass. They see his legs fly up instantly as he goes through, having hit something there on the other side of the window. They see him a second later as he stands up wrapped in the venetian blinds and the curtains and staggers out of view.

Another biker low runs around the corner of the house away from them. A third biker goes through the front door of the house and several bullets hit the door frame as he lurches out of sight. Mark’s M4 erupts shooting at something behind the house. Joey shoots into the front windows of the house emptying his clip in a random pattern of fire through the windows and door.

Joey reloads as Darren breaks cover.

“I am on the move from Shultz’s house toward the target house,”Darren says into the walkie-talkie as he dashes across the street firing into the broken front windows of the house.

Joey goes around the front of the car and Hanzo and Chevelle go around the back of the car and they all meet up with Darren outside the windows of the house.

Darren stops and looks further up Cypress Street his head cocked to the side, like a dog looking at a new toy.

“What is that?”he asks.

“What is what?”Hanzo asks him.

“Don’t you guys hear that? It sounds like a woman screaming over and over again,”Darren says pointing up the street.

“I don’t hear anything,”Chevelle says.

“I hear it, she is pleading for it to stop, she is in agony, she is begging for it to end. You can’t hear that?”Darren asks.

“No, I can’t”Joey replies.

Darren raises up his hand and feels his right ear, the ear-plug is still in it. Darren gives Joey a look as if to silently let him know that something is very much not right out there in the darkness.

Joey nods at him and turning up the street he swallows and stands firmly, his hands reaching up to his face, his fingers pull aside the eye-patch and he opens his left eye. There towering in the darkness its head lost among the stars its wings spread out to engulf the world. It’s hands are reaching down yanking at the bodies chained to the posts below it, prying them loose and consuming them whole.

“Holy fuck,”Joey yells into the night.

The begging and suffering that Darren was hearing cuts off abruptly like a phone line that’s been snipped.

“It’s gone,”Darren whispers.

“No, its not…”Joey says as the creature rears back it’s head and eats those sacrificed to it.

“Let’s get after ’em,”Hanzo says.

“I am on the move,”Dawn says.

“Don’t shoot your mother,Vish,”Mark’s voice yells out from down the street.

Dawn runs across the yard and over to her house.

Chevelle reaches up and pulls the patch back over Joey’s left eye. He glances down at her and nods, she smiles and puts her hands on each of his cheeks and shakes his head trying to reassure him.

“What the fuck dudes let’s get in there and stomp some biker ass,”Hanzo says.

Darren pulls out his clip and checks to see how many bullets he has left in there. Smiling he pockets that clip and pulling out a fresh one he slaps it into his rifle. Pulling back the slide he chambers a round, he then nods at Hanzo.

They both walk up to the busted out windows and Darren starts to climb in over the couch, he sees a man raising a gun toward him and he instantly dives backward and into the yard once more. A shot rings out and instantly there is a whooshing sound and as the house explodes they are all thrown backward by the force of the blast.

“Goddamn, now we’re cooking with gas,”Hanzo says from where he lies on the street.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 37: Cheese!

November 16, 2010 1 comment

They walk past a couple of parked cars heading toward the driveway leading to the farmhouse. As they get closer the doors to a Subaru station wagon fly open and an obviously married couple get out. The woman is yelling at the man and he in turn is cringing like a beaten puppy before the fury of her wrathful tongue.

“…Whats the matter are you going to cry again?”she asks him with a gleam in her eyes.

“No, but we made it here and we didn’t get killed, I would think that counted for something…”he replies.

“It only counts for something if you get me a brick of Muenster cheese and then you can count it if you must,”the woman says.

“Ok well I am sure going to try but I have to stress once again that I doubt very seriously that these guys make Muenster cheese,”the man says.

“Well for your fucking sake, you better hope they do,”the woman replies.

“Hi,”Joey says as he walks by the man and woman.

“Hi,”the man replies while wiping his face with a bandanna.

“Hello,”Dawn says as she walks by them.

“Hiya,”Chevelle says as she goes by.

The man looks at them as they go by and he glances at their guns.

“Say do you guys know where I can get some more ammo for my gun,”the man says showing them a snub-nose Colt .38 pistol.

“Hey I got a nice .38 you can have it’s got a pearl handle and it’s really pretty, I got it from a dead pimp!”Darren says.

“No ya don’t, you traded it for ammo,”Joey replies.

“Oh yeah, sorry. Well listen if you ever get yourself a 9mm we can help you out but we just don’t carry any .38s sorry man,”Darren tells him.

“Thats all right maybe the farmers have some rounds to trade or something, thanks guys,”the man replies.

The group walks up to the front of the farm going through the completely-full parking lot as they approach. On the roofs of the main building and both barns they see solar cells collecting the sunlight.. Inside, through the windows of the doors they can see a counter running along the right side of the room with tables and cooler doors beyond. Candy opens the door and they walk in followed by the couple from the Subaru. A man behind the counter nods to them and Joey and Darren walk over to him. A woman is talking loudly from outside of the door at the back of the room.

“Dinner is ready everyone come and get it,”the voice says.

There is a sign beside the door and it says Free Farm Tours on it.

“Oh let’s go take the tour,”the woman from the Subaru says.

“You go ahead and I will be right behind you, I am just going to see if they have Muenster here,”the man replies.

“Yes, that is a good idea, you will just have to miss the tour I guess, too bad for you,”the woman replies as she walks out the back door.

Through a window on the back wall they can see the woman walk over to the fence where another woman is standing by a gate looking into the pens.

“Whats up folks ya’all after some cheese?”the man behind the counter says.

“We’re hungry, we would like some gouda if you have any. But truth be told we will settle for anything and especially any cheese that goes with pork,”Darren says.

“Do you have any samples? I am starving too,”Joey says.

“Samples would be great,”Chevelle says.

“Do ya’all take cash?”Hanzo says throwing a brick of hundred-dollar bills on the counter wrapped in a paper strip that says Bellagio on it.

“How much is that?”the man behind the counter asks.

“That there is only 100 thousand, hell you should see how much I have in the back of my truck,”Hanzo replies laughing.

“Well money aint for shit anymore but I always wanted some anyhow, tell you what, we will go even on pounds, 1 pound cash and I give you a pound of cheese,”the man tells them.

“Fair enough, you got a deal,”Hanzo says.

“The big important thing is what kinda cheese do you have?”Candy says laughing.

“Brie, Cheddar, Feta, Mozzarella, Gouda and Muenster,”the man says.

“Very nice, we will take two bricks of each,”Darren says.

“Did he say they have Muenster?”the man from the Subaru asks.

“Yeah, he said they do,”Chevelle says.

“Oh good,”the man replies.

“You need Muenster it is over there in the second cooler,”the cheese man says.

“Right on,”the man replies as he and Candy both head over to the doors and begin loading up on cheese from the various coolers.

Candy brings up two of each cheese  to the counter and setting them down she smiles and pulls out a joint. She giggles and walks outside smiling back at Joey who immediately follows her.

Hanzo goes back out to his truck to get some more stacks of cash while the man from the Subaru trades some d-cell batteries for his brick of Muenster. He smiles and picking it up hurries over to the back door to show off his prize.

“Honey, honey I’ve got your cheese,”he says as he walks out the back door.

Through the back window of the room they can see the man walk over to a woman in a cowgirl hat standing by the gate. The man talks to her for a few minutes and then they see him step forward and look over the gate in the fence. Something out of sight grabs him and yanks him over the fence with a splash of crimson blood.

“Holy shit that was awesome!”Darren says.

The woman in the cowboy hat turns and smiling she walks back inside again.

“Hi everyone, I’m April how are you guys doin? I was just feeding my cow her name is Elmer. I just love her do you guys love cows? They go Moo Moo Moooooooooooooooooooooo. They are the best. We had some sheep but they got infected and died so now it’s just the goats and the cows. Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moooooooo,”the woman says so fast that none of them hear her actually take a single breath that whole time.

“Wow how do you talk that high pitch? Are you huffing helium?”Chevelle says.

The front door to the room opens up again, and a little bell goes ding. Candy and Joey come back inside followed by Hanzo who is holding a huge sack bulging with loot. Printed on the sack is a huge green dollar bill sign.

“Hey welcome to the dairy do you guys wanna come meet my new baby calf? She is ever so cute and fun, you will just love her,”April says.\

Joey and Candy open their mouths to answer her but Chevelle and Darren answer first.

“No, thanks they are with us,”they both say at once.

The cheese guy takes the loot and puts it behind the counter and bags up their cheese for them. He hands it over to Hanzo and smiles.

“Have a nice day Ya’all and come back soon,”he says.

“Nice to meet you and don’t forget to come back and see my cows, they go moo moo moo moo moo moo moo,”April tells them.

They walk back outside toward the trucks and Candy looks back and sighs.

“But I wanted to see the little baby calf,”she says.

“Not unless you wanna be snack food for the Zombie Farmer,”Darren and Chevelle say at once.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 36: Subdue Your Appetites!

November 13, 2010 1 comment

“What the fuck is going on?”Dawn calls out from over by Hanzo’s truck.

“Some fucked up shit, these boys are fucked up. They ain’t right in the head. We need to get the fuck outta here,”Chevelle replies as she helps Joey, who is walking toward the truck.

“Start that fucking truck,”Candy yells to Dawn.

“Get the fuck in then,”Dawn says, as she climbs up in there and starts it up.

Darren climbs over the tailgate and falls into the bed of the truck where he starts rummaging through his duffle bag. Joey and Chevelle climb into the backseat of the truck, while Candy climbs in to ride shotgun.

“Punch that SHIT!”Candy says.

The sound of the air brake being released comes from behind them as Hanzo pulls out to follow them back onto the highway once more.

As they roll down the road Joey starts to feel better and he glances out the back window of the truck looking toward the house as they leave it behind. He takes his hand of off his eye for a second and gasps.

Above the house a huge slender shape writhes in blueish-green smoke its face is a cluster of feelers and its hands end in wicked black claws, on it’s back titanic wings spread across the sky and its eyes follow them as they flee before it.

“What is it?”Chevelle asks him.

“Nothing, see if you can find me a bandanna or something to cover my eye with all right?”Joey says.

In the back of the truck Darren finds an ear-plug in his duffle bag and puts it in with a gleaming smile of triumph. He sits back with a smile and pulling a joint from his pocket lights it up.

Chevelle smiles and pulls out a bandanna from her back pocket and ties it over the side of Joey’s face. She laughs at how stupid he looks and lights up a joint for them both with a smile.

They pass the joint up to Dawn, who takes a huge hit and passes it over to Candy. Candy takes a hit and sits back in her seat with a sigh. She hands the joint back to Joey who takes it and grins. Candy laughs at how dumb he looks with a bandanna tied over half his face and shakes her head. Joey takes a big hit from it and hands it to Chevelle.

She opens up the back window of the truck and looks back at Darren. Who is already smoking a joint, so she smiles and give him a thumbs up. He laughs and takes out some beers from a twelve pack and hands them up to her. Chevelle passes around the Miller to everyone.

They roll past the I-90 overpass and Joey picks up the radio.

“Breaker one nine I am stoned outta my fucking gourd, come back,”Joey says into the radio.

“Shut up ya stoner and put someone a bit more together on the line,”Hanzo says laughing.

Joey hands the radio up to Candy, who is busy searching through the med-kit from the helicopter, she passes it off to Dawn.

“Hi,”Dawn laughs.

“Well hello,”Hanzo says laughing.

“Whats up,”Dawn says.

“Oh ya know, just driving through the apocalypse, trying to subdue my appetites,”Hanzo says.

“Appetites are made to be indulged, you gotta live a little baby,”Dawn laughs into the radio.

“Well it’s been about 4 days since I had anything that wasn’t out of a can to eat, so at this point some fresh real cheese sounds good. So let’s get to that farm pronto,”Hanzo says.

“Let’s go gets us some meat, I need me some meat,”Dawn says laughing.

“I am not the only one who needs to subdue my appetites apparently,”Hanzo laughs.

“Hey check it out Chevelle,”Candy says smiling and handing a small plastic wrapped item to her.

“That is hilarious!”Chevelle says laughing as she unwraps the medical eye patch from the medkit and turns to Joey.

She takes off his bandanna and tucks it into his pocket and she put the eyepatch on his and gives him a quick kiss.

“Thanks Candy,”Joey says.

“Yes thanks,”Chevelle says.

“Right on, now he looks like a pirate,”Candy laughs.

They flip off the huge crane that took out their last truck as they ride past it and keep on going, heading into Thibodaux.

“There is some movement and lights at the airport, something is going down,”Hanzo says into the radio.

“Screw it I’m hungry, let’s go get some grub first,”Dawn replies.

“Right on, the cheese farm it is,”Hanzo says.

They get to the intersection where I-20 going east ends and it continues going north into Thibodaux proper. They hit the northbound lane and Dawn floors it.

They fly along the highway dodging past wrecked vehicles and smashed bodies until they get to Highway 1. The head East once again on 1 and after just a few minutes arrive with much screeching of tires at the cheese farm.

“I am dying for some good Cheddar!”Dawn says as she opens the door and pours herself out of the truck.

“Fuck the Cheddar, I am all about some Gouda,”Darren says as he hops down from the bed of the truck.

The semi comes to a stop behind them the air brakes kick on with a hiss and the door pops open and Hanzo jumps down from the cab.

“Hey someone better cough up some fucking cheese forthwith or I am fixing ta hop the fence and eat one of those fucking cows,”Hanzo says laughing as he walks up.

“Come and get it,”a voice calls in the distance, and a triangle chimes like an old ranch house.

They all smile at each other and walk toward the front doors of the farm.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 35: That Aint Right…

November 13, 2010 1 comment

Dawn and Chevelle get up and run over to the women tied to the posts as the last biker dies in a shower of gore at Hanzo’s feet. They hurry over to the woman and as they untie her, she collapses into Dawn’s arms with a murmured word.

“What did she say?”Chevelle asks.

“Stephanie, is what it sounded like,”Dawn says.

The woman waves her hand toward the house. Dawn glances at the front door, where a biker corpse lies in a pool of guts and blood, with it’s fly still half undone.

“Joey!”Chevelle yells.

Joey and Darren run across the yard and stop as Dawn leads the woman away with her arm over her shoulder, toward Hanzo’s truck. Chevelle is untying the smallest girl who is the only one still alive from the post she is tied to as they arrive.

“What is it,”Joey asks.

“I think there was a girl inside, named Stephanie.”Chevelle says nodding toward the front door as she picks the girl up and starts walking for Hanzo’s truck.

Darren and Joey glance at each other. Darren slings his AR-15 and reloads his Judge as they walk to the front door. Joey step over the body with his Ar-15 held ready.

Inside the house, their step into a living room, there is a couch against the far wall and a smashed TV to their right. To there left is an open door beyond which they see a kitchen. What holds their eyes though is the naked figure draped across the coffee-table in a splatter of red. Her body has been ritualistically flayed open, her chest split with ribs akimbo and her entrails tossed to the side. Her panties are pulled down and she is leaking copious amounts of whitish fluid from her beaten and mangled sex. Her face has been smashed and her right eye is dangling from a cord of flesh suspended from the gaping empty socket. On her forehead is carved a pentagram and for just a second as they came in they could have sworn light was streaming from it, projecting the image of it onto the ceiling. It vanished quickly though and the room dims down to only the light streaming in from the torn-open front door.

As they stand there staring at her, a bulge forms in her throat as if something inside is pushing, trying to escape. The corpses mouth opens and a tentacle bursts forth, it has a row of suction cups on the bottom of it, and there is an eye at the tip. It wriggles and slides this way and that until the eye turns toward them.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me?”Darren says.

“That ain’t right!”Joey says raising his Ar-15 and taking aim.

The mass of lungs, heart and organs in her split-open chest cavity begin to wriggle and squirm as something shrieks and more tentacles sprout from the base of her throat. They wrap themselves around her organs, as Joey makes a retching sound. The dangling right-eye hanging on her cheek turns and glares at them with unholy malevolence. Then her lung is flying toward Joey as the tentacle lashes forth hurling it at him. With a wet splattering sound it hits him square in the face. Joey steps back, vomiting as the slime from the lung burns his eyes.

Darren opens fire. The bullets from the AR-15 spray the unmoving corpse, riddling it with lead from the shoulders upward severing the head from the body and reducing the skull to putty.  Another tentacle with an eye on it lashes out from the gaping chest cavity hurling the girl’s heart at Darren as his gun clicks on empty. The heart spins through the air spraying drops of blood as it flies toward him. In one smooth motion Darren pulls his machete from its sheath on his back and splits the heart in twain. The severed halves each deflect in-flight and barely miss his face, the disgorged blood however empties on him in passing, blinding him.

Darren falls back against the door jamb his feet trip up on the corpse lying there and he falls down on top of it.

Joey clears his eyes just in time to see Darren’s gun click empty and the heart hit him in the face. As Darren falls, Joey raises his AR-15.

“Noooooooooooo!!!”he yells as he empties his clip into the body right where the tentacle is sprouting from it.

The tentacle falls lifeless to floor of the mobile home, it immediately begins emitting a noxious smoke as it dissolves into the living room floor. Joey begins coughing as he stumbles over to Darren and grabbing him under the arm yanks them both outside and pulls him away as the entire trailer bursts into flames. The sickening greenish-blue flames lick towards the sky as an unholy baritone voice cries out in agony. The trailer collapses onto itself as they stagger away and a thick tentacle which is on fire reaches for them and nearly gets them as they lurch away from its grasp.

Darren and Joey lie there on the front yard coughing and choking in between gasps for air. Candy and Chevelle arrive seconds later as Joey wipes a greenish goop from Darren’s ear as he coughs up the blood from the heart-spray. Candy pulls a first aid kit, from the helicopter crash, out of her cargo pocket in her camo-pants. She pulls out some gauze and begins wiping blood from both of them and uses a little bottle of alcohol to help clean them up a bit.

‘What the fuck happened,”Chevelle asks.

“What was that thing?”Candy asks them.

“I…”Joey says.

Chevelle hands him a bottle of whiskey, which Joey immediately dumps on his face.

“Get it off… Get it off of me…”he says his hands shaking in a frightened-palsy, holding onto the whiskey bottle for dear life.

“It’s ok, we’ll get it off you…”Chevelle says wiping more blood and booze from his face with a pad of gauze.

Joey takes a long swig of the whiskey, his hands shaking as he holds Chevelle’s hand tightly to him, his eyes wide with terror darting around quickly conveying his inner fear.

“What is that… In your eye?”Chevelle says.

“What do you mean,”Joey asks looking up at her.

She gasps as she stares at him. Glancing down she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a compact. She opens it and hands it to him. Joey takes the mirror in his shaking hands and after a few seconds is able to stop his hands shaking long enough to see it. The pupil of his left eye is scarred with a greenish line, roughly in the shape of a pentagram.

“What the fuck?”Joey asks closing his eyes.

“I don’t know, but we will figure it out ok?”Chevelle says as she hold him close and tears fall from her eyes.

“What?”Darren says as he pushes Candy off of him and stands hastily to his feet.

“What’s going on?”Candy says.

“Don’t you hear that? Who is that, show yourself,”Darren says waving his Ar-15 around looking for a target.

“Calm down honey, it’s just us,”Candy says.

“No, someone is talking, who are you?”Darren says looking to the right his gun twitching as he looks for a target.

“The blood, so wicked to grind the flesh from the bones to rip the guts, the blood sprays so pretty, it intoxicates the senses, come with me the blood will pave the way to the new beginning and your complete end,”A voice whispers in Darren’s ear.

“What is it man?”Joey asks as Darren shoots a few rounds into burning house.

“I don’t know, someone is fucking around in there, it’s still alive!!!”Darren says as he empties another clip into the flaming mound that was once a trailer home, “Shut the fuck up!”

Candy stands up and walks over to him, her arm cocks back and she lets fly with a fist which hits Darren’s jaw so hard his mouth snaps shut with an audible click. He staggers back few steps and rubbing his jaw he looks at her.

“Snap the fuck out of it! Your freaking me out!”Candy says.

“What about you, do you need me to slap you too?”Chevelle asks Joey.

“No thanks, closing my eyes seems to help much better than pain,”Joey says as he stands up.

“That aint right…”Darren says rubbing his jaw.