Archive for December, 2010

Episode 50: A Meeting of Minds…?

There is a knocking noise on the window of the truck, Hanzo stretches out a bit and smacks his lips and fades back down into the pillow once more. The pounding returns and he sits up in the bed in his sleeper cab.

“What the fuck?” he mumbles, and draws the desert eagle from its holster beside him.

Peeking into the front of the truck he sees Candy standing on the running board knocking on the window.

“Hey calm down man, I’m up.”

Hanzo stumbles over and unlocks the door.

“Come on man, we’re having a meeting,” Candy says.

Hanzo glances up at the star-filled sky overhead, then at the dashboard clock.

“A meeting? at 330am? Are you guys cooking some fucking meth or some shit?” Hanzo laughs.

“No some shit went down one of those things was poking around the house and killed that mom and daughter we saved man,” Candy says.

“Oh no man, that mom was a milf to man,” Hanzo says.

“Well come on man over to Rays,” Candy says.

“Hey what the fuck is all this dirt on my steps and door for goddamnit?” Hanzo bellows.

“We will explain it later, just move your ass,” Candy says, walking off into the darkness.

“Well this better be good damn it,” Hanzo says, pulling his shirt on and strapping on his guns.

Hanzo comes around the corner into Ray’s back yard and sees everyone they’re hanging out talking quietly and as soon as they see him they motion him over. He goes on over and as soon as he sits down in his customary folding chair Joey begins speaking.

“You have all seen these tentacled things out there, after this last fight with them we are not safe here any longer,” Joey begins.

“They can be taken out but we need more firepower, we need more help,” Darren says.

“So we are going to try to make it to see Officer Fox, we need to let him know what is going on and warn him about these Brotherhood biker fuckers,” Joey says.

“They are fucking with some shit that they don’t understand, some shit that isn’t even from this planet,” Darren says.

“And if Officer Fox doesn’t know what to do?” Hanzo asks.

“If he can’t help or doesn’t know what to do we can always contact the military once we get down to the french quarter, we have a map, we know where they are down there, and besides we gotta go down there either way,” Joey says.

“Yeah we are simple law-abiding citizens you can trust us, there are these big monsters out there with slimy tentacles coming to eat us all man,” Mark says laughing.

“Really?” Joey walks, over and stoops down so Mark can see his eye up close.

“Okay so lets say your right and I believe ya, because well I saw one too, but they, my friend never will believe ya, even if you fill out their forms in triplicate and file it under U for un-fucking-explainable,” Mark tells them.

“Okay so your staying here then?” Joey asks.

“Yeah, I am thinking we will stay here and hold down the fort, but we are not staying here at Ray’s house neither, I wont sleep under this roof no sir. We are gonna go live at the Shultz’s,” Mark says smiling.

“You old cheesey dog you, you found out years ago her husband hand-built a bomb shelter under there and you been fucking dying to get your hands on it,” Dawn says.

“Well hell yeah, we can make the place look abandoned and live underneath it,” Mark says.

“Well I am going, I need to go check on Wendy, my girl, she runs a mobile stripper club, called The Triple D” Hanzo says.

“So your saying your girl don’t hire girls with small boobs?” Chevellle asks.

“No it means Diesel Dixie Dancers,” Hanzo says laughing.

“Oh I heard of them, Randy said them girls was too fancy,” Candy laughs.

“Fancy? One of them girls could pick up dollar bills with her cooter sweetie that aint fancy…” Hanzo says.

“He thought they were fancy cause they were stuck-up and would not work for a cheap-ass pimp like him,” Chevelle laughs.

“Still they aint fancy, they are some nice girls, but no, never fancy,” Hanzo says.

“Okay so Mark, Dawn and Vish are staying here, they can mind the fort, what about you Ray?” Darren asks.

“I am not leaving my babies behind, I am sorry guys. Unless… We could load them into Hanzo’s truck and I could rig up the generator and if you give me a couple of days I could set it up.” Ray replies.

“Are you fucking high man? There aint no fucking you’re putting that shit in my truck,” Hanzo says.

“Well then… I aint going,” Ray says.

“Well then Ray, we will see your ass once we get back, it’s been fun folks,” Joey says.

“Wait, your leaving now? At 4 in the damn morning?” Ray asks.

“Fuckity fucking fuck yes I am, fucking leaving right fucking now,” Joey says.

“Well it’s been a real meeting of the minds, but we need to get rolling,” Candy says.

“I am not staying here any longer, I am already packed, Ray see ya later you fruit,” Darren says, he then walks into the house and comes back out with his duffel bag and tosses it into the back of his truck.

“Yeah me too,” Joey says, he darts inside and comes back out with his and Chevelle’s backpacks and tosses them into the truck bed as well.

“For services rendered Ray we are going to have to charge ya four big ones, yeah thats four pounds of weed, thanks,” Darren says holding out his hand.

“Okay,” Ray says shrugging, he goes inside and comes back out with a huge bag of weed, “Here ya go.”

“Thanks Ray, its been a pleasure,” Darren says laughing and tosses the bag to Chevelle in the back seat.

“Bye Ray Ray,” Candy says and goes into the house and comes back out with her backpack as well.

“See you folks later,” Hanzo says as he turns and walks over to the gate and walks quietly over to his truck.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 49: Equally Dense…

December 17, 2010 1 comment

“Well it smells like he passed smooth out again, last time he passed out we had us a few hours before he woke up again,” Darren says.

“So then let’s get high,”Dawn says.

“Since your going to make some more of the pork n noodles, I will go out and clean up the biker mess,” Darren says.

“Why would ya do that?” Vish asks.

“If we don’t clean it up it will be like killing a bee,”Darren says.

“Wait what?” Vish asks.

“Well if you kill a bee and just leave it there, the others will come find it and then you wont just have one, you will have a fucking problem,” Darren tells him.

“So the bikers… Well… Let’s see… The bikers… So you’re telling me, these bikers have a queen?” Vish asks.

“Yes Vish, her name is Sturgis, now shut the fuck up,” Dawn laughs.

“No actually, Vish it was just a metaphor ok, don’t worry about it,” Candy says, smiling at him.

“Ok, so it was a metawhore, right,” Vish asks, he walks over to Ray and asks him, “Whats a Metawhore?”

“Wait, did someone say, Manga-Whore?” Ray asks, and he looks up from his wok.

“Yeah, what is a Mangawhore?” Vish asks him.

“Well, young Vish a Mangawhore is a girl in the printed works of an anime artist who is very promiscuous and sleeps around with alot of the male characters in the story, most of the time they are put in just to be titillating and to move the story along. Ahh but the secret is how to spot a Mangawhore.” Ray says conspiratorially.

“How?” Vish asks.

“They have a scent about them you see and they are usually very wet…” Ray begins.

“Hold it. Ray get back to cooking, Vish come over here this instant,” Dawn yells from the other side of the fire pit.

“Ok then, well Darren I will come give you a hand, dead bodies to move ya say, sounds fun…” Joey says, as he gets up and walks away from the fire.

“You know this brings me back, kinda like Desert Storm…” Darren begins.

Joey holds up one finger for an instant, in the traditional ‘hold on’ motion. He runs back to the fire side and grabs his bottle of whiskey and then runs right back.

“Ok, go for it,” Joey says, as he takes a long drink as they walk away.

“Well come on Dawn, he has got to learn this shit some day,” Ray begins, from behind them at the fire.

“Shut the fuck up Ray,” Dawn says.

“We got this gig, going out to clean up these oil rigs that the insurgents had lit on fire, man. Everything was blanketed in this black oily-soot it was caked on these bodies all around the rigs,” Darren tells him.

“Well this doesn’t look like an oil fire but there is a ton of black shit everywhere, I will give ya that. It sure the fuck doesn’t smell like oil burning, it smells like someone lit a pile of shit-covered chemicals on fire,” Joey says.

“Well you see I was talking more about the bodies, these bodies here look like those bodies that day. All fucked-up and covered in black,” Darren says, pointing to various bodies lying around the intersection.

“Well there is one thing about an oil-rig fire  and what it smells like, ya see there are gasses that are released when your drilling for oil, that are quite unpleasant, to say the least, to the human nose my friend. It smells like someone lit a porta-potty up, makes ya wanna fucking puke man,” Joey laughs.

Joey grabs his mouth piece to his walkie-talkie and says, “Hey Chevelle, will you grab Ray’s keys and bring his truck over here to help us move the bodies with sweetie?”

“Sure thing, y’all want some beers?” Chevelle replies instantly.

“Well fuck yeah we do,” Joey says.

A few minutes later Ray’s truck pulls around and they begin filling the bed with dead biker parts. They take the three bikes that had blown to pieces in the driveway of the blown-up house and move the pieces inside and out of sight. The bikes that could still roll, they move down the street to the Pete’s house and stash them in the burned out shell of his home. The bikes that could still start-up they ride to a little trail in the woods behind Ray’s house and stash them out in a clearing. They cover these bikes in plastic and weigh the edges down with rocks. They pile up sticks and branches and leaves on the plastic covers to camouflage them a bit and then head back out to the road.

They pile into Ray’s truck and drive the biker bodies and body-parts down to the river by Bayou Black Drive and throw the bodies and parts in for the gators to eat. There is a swirling of water and a gnashing of rotted teeth as they drive off again and then ripple spread from the surface and part revealing the rotted-out eyeless mass of a gator. Joey throws an empty beer can at it as they drive away and laughs as they get out of sight.

They arrive back at Ray’s house and shutting off the truck they head around back to the fire and sit down once more and start rolling themselves a job-well-done-doobie.

“So… did everything come out ok?” Ray asks them laughing.

“Well Ray, we didn’t go to take a shit, it’s not like we were all stuffed up and constipated or anything?” Darren says.

“Eww you guys poop together? That is gross,” Vish says, his eyes so squinty they seem more closed than open.

“Listen stoner boy, we went to hide the bodies of those bikers you opened fire on and we had to kill. We really should have left them for your little ass to clean up,” Joey says laughing.

“You making some big messes and writing checks your little ass can’t cover. Without us to back you up your ass would have been toast,” Darren laughs.

“Come to think of it, Vish why did you shoot ’em?” Ray asks.

“Yeah!” Darren says.

“Well, I was sitting up there and they were riding all around and they got close and I saw one of them come down to the corner and he was sitting there looking around. I sat real still, but he was looking, so I got him in my sights so I could see him in the scope ya know. I am watching him as he was looking at the house kinda craning his neck to see inside ya know. Well he turned my way and looked like he was about come over so I tagged him between the eyes,” Vish says.

“So lets recap shall we. He looked over at ya. And you shot him in the fucking face?” Joey asks.

“I know he did, because what was left of his head, I had to scoop up with shovel,” Darren tells them.

“Damn right, we should have left it for old itchy mctrigger-finger over here to clean up,” Joey laughs.

“Well even if they are giving you a hard time about it now Vish, at least you capped him before he got a shot off on you, or in general,” Ray says.

“Now if you could have only done that with the rest of them,” Chevelle laughs.

“Huh… What? …I have no idea what you’re talking about right now…” Vish says.

“Density has reached maximum capacity captain, come on kid let’s eat,” Mark says.

“Wait there is a captain here?” Vish asks.

“We are gonna change your name to ‘Cold-Steel’ there Vish,” Darren says.

His eyes unglaze a bit and he smiles and says, “Hey, I like it.”

“Yeah because your both equally fucking dense,” Darren says.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 48: Elvis Has Left…

December 12, 2010 1 comment

“Hi, I am David Dunwoody, the National Guardsmen says to me. He shakes my hand and tells me I gotta drive him to Costco, it’s a fucking national emergency. Well no shit man, I just waded through a waist-high pile of geriatric corpses to escape from the hotel dude, and I saw some shit you would never believe even if I told ya. So he sits back for a few seconds and says to me, ‘Hey do you mind if I smoke?’ Well, I kinda do mind since he tells me it isn’t weed, that he wants to smoke. But whatever I just let him do what he likes, he has an M-16 and seems a bit too happy with tossing grenades at shit for my tastes, ya know. So the soldier tells me that he ran outta ammo in his stuck Hummer on the highway. He jumped out and ran for it and heard me backing up my truck so he wants to commandeer it. Well, I would have reminded him that the Mac-10 hanging from my shoulder was fully loaded but it seemed a moot point given the 4 grenades hanging from his harness. His radio goes off and a voice says that they made it to the Costco outside Henderson. It was a fuck-ton of traffic to get there, at the end of the world all of those drivers that used to make you want to pull your hair out on a good day… yeah they get worse… a lot worse… On the way to there, we had a hell of a time shoving this fucking pair off jack-knifed trucks out-of-the-way. See we couldn’t take the highways like old David wanted to, they were piled-up 5 high with crashed cars man, fuck that shit. We dodged and weaved through the city for what seemed like an eternity from this alleyway to that side-street it was a mess. There was one bit where an old guy in a wheel chair was staying just ahead of a bunch of blood-covered folks chasing him. Another time there was a fountain the got smashed into and flooded the road so bad once of those pussy little Mini-Coopers floated right off the fucking street, it was hilarious. It took hours to cross Vegas, the sun was starting to set when we finally got to the Costco, what would normally have taken twenty minutes or so, took all day. So that’s where we ended up going… to the Costco outside of Henderson. Well the boys had armored trucks and Hummers lined up all around the store, they had generators hooked up and they had the whole store wired for juice. They asked me if I wanted to stay on and hang with them but I told them I had to get on home, ya know. It is the end of the fucking world and all.”Hanzo says as he leans back and looks sadly at the now-empty bottle in his hand.

“Can I get you a drink?”Darren says stepping up beside Hanzo’s chair.

“You got another bottle of the good stuff?”Hanzo asks holding up the bottle of Gentleman Jack.

“You fucking A bet we do man,”Dawn says going inside and bringing out another bottle.

“See there man, fire-side service,”Darren laughs, and lights up another huge joint.

Popping the seal on the new bottle of Jack, Hanzo sits back in his chair and savors a few sips.

“They ask me if I need anything and I tell them I have always been partial to chef boyardee and to Top Ramen, so they hooked me up with a pallet of Ramen and a case of Beefaroni. So I climbed back into the truck and then it occurred to me, a cow-catcher might be nice ya know? So I go to the gunny sergeant and he agrees to put me a cow-catcher on the truck. It takes them a few hours and one of the guys wheeled out a huge BBQ grill and he makes some ribs and some T-bone steaks. Dude, that boy could cook a fucking steak y’all, it was some good shit. Once the welder is done working on the truck I bargained for a generator for the truck and three extra fully charged truck batteries. It was time to bail. I hop back out onto the road and I head south-east. I zig-zag my way through the side streets until I get to highway 93 just outside of town and it luckily cleared up enough to at least get moving at that point. So I get up on there and I tear-ass down toward Phoenix.”Hanzo says, and sitting back, he farts and passes out once more.

“Well it looks like that Jack finally caught up with him eh?”Joey laughs.

“Elvis has left the building,”Darren laughs.

“Hey man make some more pork n noodles Ray that was good,”Chevelle says.

“I am on it, someone open up some noodle packs for me and Dawn can you loan me an onion from your garden?”Ray asks.

“Loan you an onion? hell no, but I will trade ya one for a big ass bag ‘o weed,”Dawn laughs.

“Gold-digger,”Ray giggles.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 47: It All Falls Down…

December 12, 2010 1 comment

“So at this point, I gotta ask, what the hell is wrong with you man?”Hanzo asks Ray.

“What do you mean?”Ray asks, and he scratches his head.

“I mean, you seem to be good with animals and you have a certified green-thumb but did you honestly have to trade any and all social graces for them?”Hanzo asks him.

“After over 15 years of being a recluse your lucky I realized last night that your NOT figments of my imagination after all,”Ray says laughing.

“Holy hell dude, 15 years?”Joey asks.

“Yeah no wonder he can’t talk to girls,”Chevelle laughs.

“Yeah the doctors said I needed some alone time, to think about what I had done,”Ray says.

“And… err… uhm… Ray… What did you do Ray?”Joey asks.

Ray opens his mouth to reply…

“Fuck that fucker, I wanna hear the rest of Hanzo’s story. No, sit down Ray seriously we’ve heard enough of your tentacle-rape robot-rimjob bullshit, we will get back to you later. Go on Hanzo,”Candy yells.

“Right on man, go Hanzo,”Dawn says.

“Ok, so the dog calms down and I take a look around, the door to the shipping office is open back there so I go on over there. Ned, the Elvis impersonator who has worked there for the last five years of so is sitting there dead as fuck in his chair there at his desk. All around the room are boxes of Elvis figurines and calendars and posters and what not. Ole Ned is shot to hell and on the wall beside him is a hanger with a freshly dry-cleaned Elvis jumpsuit. I grab it off the wall and there are two bullet holes through it. But hell it’s still a good jumpsuit regardless. So I grab up the boxes of Elvis figures and I take them out and put them on the top of the pallet, same thing with the jumpsuit. I turn it and drive it on over to the loading bay doors. And low and behold, there are two other pallets of cash already sitting there on the dock. I go over to the back door and I quietly open it up to get a look out back and see whats happening ya know. There to the left is my truck right where I parked it. So far so good, I tell old Drago to heel and we hurry down the steps and over to the cab of the truck. I unlock it and hop into the truck, me and the dog are filthy at this point and honest-to-God, man 24 hours before this I would have rather died then sit my blood-soaked clothes on my truck seats but man, alive and filthy is way better than being dead and clean.”Hanzo says taking a long drink of whiskey.

“So I back the truck up over to the loading dock and I get on back out, Drago follows me back up the steps and we go inside once more and open up the bay door. I use the motorized jack and I move all three pallets of money into the back of the truck. I take the figurines and I grab them up and wrap the boxes in the jumpsuit and I throw it over my shoulder. I shut and lock the back doors of the truck and I call out to Drago and we head on back down toward the cab of the truck. On the far side of where I had just been parked, a guy hops the wall in full military fatigues and comes running toward us. He is yelling something as he hauls ass and old Drago starts ta growling and barking at him. Suddenly I can understand the guy, he is yelling for me to get the truck started that they are coming. So I open the door and I hop up into the truck. I reach down to grab Drago and he is gone. He runs past the soldier and leaps onto several people who come around the end of the wall. They fall down and there is a massive frenzy of barking and yelling. Meanwhile the guy gets into the passenger side of my truck and I let go of the brakes. We start to roll forward and I had intended to stop and start shooting some fuckers to get them off the dog. But I was too late, I seen old Drago’s head come flying out of the mix streaming blood behind it from its severed neck. The soldier says I got it and taking a grenade that was clipped to his combat harness, he rolls down the window and yanking the pin tosses it into the pile as we go by. The grenade goes off and splintered bones and misted-blood rain down in my rear view as we hit the street and take a right.”Hanzo says, taking a sip and silently raising his bottle to the memory of the dog.

The others raise their bottles and shout, “Drago!” in unison.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 46: The Flow Stopper…

Hanzo sits upright in the lawn chair dislodging the blanket and glancing around picks up the bottle of Jack from the ground beside his chair.  He takes a long pull on the whiskey and glances at the others. There is a platter of bacon and they hold it out to him as he stirs and smiles. The early morning sun is touching the trees and the sky is a rolling reddish color that fades to oranges and gold and then to blue as he grabs a few pieces of the thick cut bacon and sits back with a sigh.

“You’ve changed clothes… The sun is coming up… I take it… I passed out?”Hanzo says as he washes down the bacon with whiskey.

“Yeah dude, you caught a nap, so we all did too, and now its morning and bacon time,”Joey says.

“Bacon time is my favorite part of the day,”Chevelle says.

Ray comes out of the house with a tray, on which are 10 steaming cups of coffee. He takes them around to everyone and they each grab the rich-smelling dark-roasted cups of coffee. Hanzo takes his and has a sip, he winces at the ultra-strong flavor and dumps a generous shot of whiskey in his cup.

“That is a good ideal,”Darren says, dumping a shot of scotch into his mug and raising it up.

“Bacon!”they all say at once.

“Speaking of fried, man ole Vegas was cooked like a busted fried egg that was oozing freaks at the seams. It was a bloody a mess and I figured in for a fucking penny ya know? My old boots were fucking jacked up with caked gore at this point anyhow so hell with it, I kicked to fucking corpses outta my way and I turned on the power-jack. It took some pushing in that soaking wet carpet to get the wheels to start rolling ya see. So there I am pushing with everything I got trying to get this fucking pallet jack to stop peeling out and start moving. Well I heard this nasty kinda snarl from nearby. So I look as I keep pushing and I don’t see anyone but man I can still hear it. It’s like an old pitbull with a bone worrying it but keeping an eye on ya to see if you are getting to close to him. Then it hit me, from behind as usual, about 50 pounds or so of pissed off blood soaked poodle. It slams me up against the pallet of money and I rear back. I turn and the thing jumps right past me snapping its teeth like it was gonna do some fucking damage ya know.”Hanzo sits back laughing, and takes a hit off of a huge joint that Dawn has just passed him.

“So I am caught of guard by this poodle, it’s normally white-sculpted hair is now wet and sodden with gore, its collar is thick gold chain with a pendant dangling from it. The dog’s name on the pendant was ‘Drago’ and he seemed to be out fer my blood. ‘Calm down old boy’ I tell him and I hold my hands out in front of me. When the dog hears me talk it stops and cocks its head at me, in that doggy-way of examining something ya know. So I step back and I tell him to heel, he stands up straight and walks over to my side, just as proud as a true show dog. Now see when I saw his name was Drago, I thought to myself here is a poor dog with an obviously terrible hair-cut who is just sick of humans and their shears in general. He was sick of looking like a poof-toy and wanted vengeance. Which was fine with me, ya know,”Hanzo says as he takes another sip off of his bottle of whiskey once more.

“So with old Drago walking beside me, I finally get the damn pallet-jack rolling and we head for the entrance to the service area. You see the north side of the building has a couple of sets of docks for deliveries and I had parked just outside of there. I wheel the pallet jack over to the left toward the doors and I pass by the Circe De French-Ass store. Inside I see that the fancy sculptures they have in there has been covered in entrails and severed heads. It sorta looks like a scene from that old movie where the fella has a bunch of nails in his damn face. Just past there on the right is a set of bathroom doors and beyond those are the double doors leading to the service area. The door is propped open with a corpse so I stop the jack and I walk on over to grab it up and move it aside. As I get close the dog yipes out a bark and charges past me, he leaps over the body and disappears from view. There is a bellowing yell and a growling as I yank open the door and bring the Mac-10 up. There before me is Drago pulling meat out of this guys throat, the body twitches a few times and then Drago stands up and shakes himself off, blood flies everywhere coating the walls in clotted gore. I sling the sub-machine gun and I reach down and I grab the collar of the corpses shirt and I drag him back into the hallway, I let him drop and I grab the door and hit the peg on the bottom to prop it open. I open the other door as well and I grab up the guy Drago killed and tell him he is a good boy, which gets me a tail wag and I toss that body out-of-the-way as well.”Hanzo takes another hit, from the joint and eats another piece of bacon.

“I grab the controls and I start the pallet down the hallway, Drago follows along beside me. There is an open door on the left side of the hallway with the universal icon for men’s room on it. Drago darts in there and I watch him hop up on his back legs. He stands there with his head twisted back looking over his shoulder at me. He whines as I pull up to a stop outside the door. He takes his right paw and touches the water tap. Clever boy, he was thirsty, so I turned on the tap and he leans down and drinks for a long time. I leave him to it and I keep going back through the hallways and I pass by the doors to the kitchens and the laundry area as well. There is an arrow on the wall indicating that the loading docks are up ahead and I grin as I come around the last corner and wheel the pallet in there. Three guys stand up from some corpses they are abusing and growling they all charge at me. The handle for the pallet jack drops from my hands as I snatch up the Mac-10 and I open fire as I swing it up toward them. The bullets chew into the floor and make a trail to the closest guy, they climb his left leg and then tear out his guts as well as he falls when his left knee will no longer hold him up. I swing the gun to the right and cut through the stomach and chest of the next closest guy, he spins backward as the multiple 9mm slugs smash into him. I start to bring the gun around for the last guy when a reddish streak leaps from the pallet of money and takes him down in a flurry of gnashing teeth and poofed-matted hair.”Hanzo laughs as he takes a few swigs off of the Jack.

“Well at least the dog’s name wasn’t Max…”Ray says, looking around as if waiting for a response.

The others stare at him in utter silence for a few moments.

“You know like Maxi-Pad, …cause he is covered in blood?”Ray says chuckling.

The others groan, as if stricken by the terrible pun.

“What? Come on how ’bout ‘The Flow Stopper’,”Ray says laughing.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 45: A Morning in Hell…

December 9, 2010 4 comments

“Ok now, settle down and let the man tell us his story,”Mark says.

“So I woke up and took me a nice hot shower. I got out and made some coffee, because they had this cool little coffee maker, right there in the room. I raided the mini-bar got me a tiny bottle of Glenlivit and spiked my coffee in a big bad way. I got dressed and ready to go put my name down for a spot on the Hold ‘Em tables. So since I knew I was going to have to be out of there at noon, I went ahead and packed up my stuff. Including the bathrobe, and towels along with the tiny soaps and sewing kit and everything of course. I head out to the elevator, and that is when I heard the shooting. It seemed to be coming from the air-vents in the ceiling and from beyond the doors to the elevator. There are bursts of shots going off intermittently. So I reached into my pocket and I felt my pocket knife sitting in there, but I am not the sorta guy to bring knife to a gun fight so I left it alone. Once the elevator shows up I hop in and press lobby. Takes a few minutes and when the doors open up, well lets just say you’d swear I took that elevator shaft on down to hell. There were piles of bodies everywhere. I had to fucking climb over a stack of dead ass old-ladies to get out of the damn elevator car. And don’t you just know my fucking bag stuck on one of their goddamn elbows and I had wrench her arm nearly off to get going again. By this time I am soaked in blood and hearing gunshots from much fucking closer than before. These people I was climbing over had been beaten to death and in some cases had their arms and legs ripped off of them. It was a huge fucking mess, some of them had been gutted, and some had their heads torn open,”Hanzo says, he pauses and takes a sip off of the bottle of Gentleman Jack.

Darren and Candy share a hit off of the joint they are passing back and forth and motion for Hanzo to continue.

“Like I said it was a bloody mess, and these fucking people were right in the way. So I climb toward the center of the hallway and go to my left toward the casino floor. The bodies seem to thin out going that way and sure enough eventually I see the carpet. It is permanently stained red with the blood of hundreds of people lying there dead. There are screams from nearby and I look around as I crouch and there in front of me is the torn-in-half chest of a security guard. In his hand is a gun. I smile and start to try prying his fingers off the gun. It takes a few minutes the dead have a hell of a grip. Now once I get that revolver out of his hand I check it over and see that of course, it is empty. The fella done shot his load. So now I start looking around for this guys lower half, hoping that I can get at his ammo belt and reload this hog,”Hanzo tells them and takes a huge hit off his joint, after some obligatory coughing he continues.

“I never did find that fellas legs, but what I found next really made me happy. I found me a shotgun and the corpse of another security guard. This one had the shotgun and a bandoleer of shells and a pouch with two clips for a 9mm Glock. Sadly there was no Glock in sight, but I sure did load up that shotgun in a hurry. There was a pile of bodies over by the High-Limit Slots and I headed that way since I had to go through there to get to my truck. I ease my way around to the left side of the body pile and I look down toward the lobby. There are men smashing each other over the head with chairs and bats and flower pots, it is pandemonium. There are women screaming and men bellowing, there is the crunching sound of snapping bones and the occasional shot fired as someone down there with a gun responds,”Hanzo says, his eyes wide with memory, he hits his joint and takes a drink off of the Jack.

“It was a terrible day, I glance to my right and there is the doors to the cage, wide open. There are bodies piled high all around there. Some of them dressed up in all black with some automatic weapons. Looking down at the shotgun I smile, I sling it over my shoulder and I walk over to the corpses with the intention of grabbing some more firepower. There is a Mac-10 lying there beside a body, the guy has a bandoleer-style shoulder harness on with lots of clips all ready to go for it. I grab up the gun and I yank out 5 of the clips and stick ’em in my pocket. I was going to take the shoulder harness and everything but as I reached for I noticed that the guy lying next to this one was wearing a gun-belt with these two chrome Desert-Eagles. So I stoop over and unbuckle his belt, I yank on it till he rolls off of it and I put it on. Now, I am loaded for bear and ready to rock. I look up as the gunfire in the distance goes silent. There is a low moaning sound, from the south toward the lobby and right nearby a ripping noise, followed by a squishing sound. I get up and holding the Mac-10 I look over by the bank of ATMs. There is a man kneeling down over someone in a dress, I can only assume it was a girl at one point but she is quite dead now. Her left arm is lying beside her connected by only the tiniest of shreds of flesh. Her guts are opened up and there is the guy, he is covered in blood from the waist up and he is yanking out armful after armful of her intestines and tossing them over his shoulder, like it’s his fucking job. He is bound and determined to get every inch of this ladies guts out of her. He just keeps going on and on until I raise up the gun and aim it at him, he seems to sense me there and looks up. There is nothing left in his eyes at all. No sanity, no insanity, no hatred, nothing at all man, they are total blanks, like glass mannequin eyes. So I just pulled the trigger,  held her down too, until the clip was empty and he was ground up like sausage meat up against the ATMs.”Hanzo takes a huge drink from the Jack and swallows, he closes his eyes for a few seconds and then takes another.

“So I dropped out that clip and I shoved in another one, I jacked the slide back and I chambered the first round. I start walking once again toward the service entrance, I am more than ready to get to my truck and get the fuck outta here. The loud slot machines all around me are making me jumpy at this point, I am heading north through the casino floor and the Nightclub Caramel is on my left. I pass by another couple of bodies lying there torn open and apart and I see something large blocking the normal path between blocks of slot-machines up ahead.

“So I take a few more steps and there is a set of four guys lying dead around and on top of this pallet in front of me. There is a motorized pallet-jack under it and the bodies have soaked the carpet under-foot with blood here to where is squishes with each and every step. Two of the bodies are just normal looking dudes who have been shot and killed. They are covered in quite a bit more blood than you would expect but hey after a morning like this one, who is keeping tabs. The other two bodies are decked out in commando gear man, with big fucking guns and big fucking knives. I grab up another four Mac-10 clips from these two and a 9mm Glock. It is the pallet that holds my attention though, it is a huge plastic wrapped pile of money man, More money than I have ever seen dude,”Hanzo says as he leans back and turns the bottle up once more downing Jack like he’s getting paid for it.

They all pass joints and bottles back and forth and wait for him to continue. Joey nudges Darren and nods toward Hanzo, they both look over to see him sitting back cradling the bottle of Jack and snoring softly. They all smile at each other and Dawn and Elizabeth grab a blanket and cover him up with it in his lawn chair.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 44: A Night at Bellagio…

December 7, 2010 Comments off

“Ray, shut the fuck up about your sex toys and eat some food you sick fucker,”Candy says.

“I hear that, please man when a man is eating the last thing he wants to hear about is another man’s tentacle fetishes,”Hanzo laughs.

“Amen brother,”Dawn says as she passes around slices of gouda for everyone to enjoy.

“Thank you Mark, and thank you Dawn. I am starving,”Joey says sitting down on the ground by Chevelle’s lawn chair and digging in.

“Well, since no one is going to introduce us, my name is Ray,”Ray says sticking his hand out to Hanzo.

“Hi Ray, you grow some good fucking weed man, and thank you for the food to man this is the first thing I’ve eaten that wasn’t canned since this all went down,”Hanzo says shaking his hand.

“I am Mark and this here is my boy Vish, you already met the wife,”Mark says, gesturing with the butcher knife to Vish and Dawn.

“Hi Mark, nice ta meet ya,”Hanzo says.

Ray sets up the Wok on the table beside the back door and he lights up the sterno can that came with it and settles the wok on the rack above it. Ray cuts the huge chunk of pork that Mark gave him up into tiny bite sized cubes. He pours some oil into the wok and waits for it to heat up. While that is going he steps into the kitchen and grabs an old wizened onion from beside the door. He takes it back to his table and dices up the onion as well. Ray then borrows Hanzo’s keys and gets two boxes of Ramen from the back of the truck. Once the oil is heated up he browns the meat with the onions and sets it on a platter beside the wok. He fills the bottom of the wok with a little bit of water and lets it come to a boil. He dumps the noodles in there and lets them cook. Once they get done he dumps the pork and onions into the wok and stirs it all together with a generous pouring of soy sauce.

Grabbing a plate from the kitchen Ray serves out a bit and brings it over to Hanzo. Hanzo stares at it for a minute and then glancing at Ray shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite.

“You know what, that is pretty fucking good man, much better than cans of chef boyardie beefaronie and regular ramen,”Hanzo declares.

“Let me give it a try Ray,”Joey says, smelling the rich soy sauce scent in the air.

“Me too,”Vish and Dawn say at once.

“Ok,”Ray says and begins serving.

“We would like some too it smells good,”Elizabeth says as she and her girl Marci emerge from the house cleaned up and smiling.

Ray gets them both a big bowl of noodles and pork.

“Say this is pretty good man,”Joey says after trying a bite.

Chevelle steals his next bite.

“Mmm, Ray for a freak you sure can cook,”she laughs.

Once everyone is done eating and Vish is sent into the grow room for some more buds. All of them grab beers and bottles of booze and sit around the fire.

“…and so we ended up heading for that cheese farm when we met you. You pretty much know the rest from there,”Darren says to Hanzo.

“So come on Hanzo tell us what happened man, how did you manage to live through it all and end up here,”Dawn asks, as she takes a big hit from a joint and passes it to Mark.

“Yes and how did you manage to rob the vault at the Bellagio, I am just dying to find that one out,”Darren says.

“Me too,”Mark says, “There are plenty of casino’s here we could hit, being rich aint such a bad thing.”

Hanzo finishes rolling the joint he has been working on as they were talking and licking the edge of the paper flips it over and twists it in his fingers. He sits back in his lawn chair and pulling out a zippo lighter he sparks it up.

“It all started with me delivering a load of laundry detergent to the loading docks at the Bellagio,”Hanzo says with a smile.

The others side back and get comfortable and take sips of various booze as he begins to tell them his tale.

“I finished unloading the pallets and decided that I would treat myself to one of the rooms there at Bellagio for a night. Normally when I make that run I stay over at the cheaper older places, but I had a good month and thought, ya know, what the fuck. Why not. So I go over to the lobby and check myself in and after a few minutes of playing some video poker I decided that I would go and get me some sleep and try to get on a Hold ’em table in the morning,”here he pauses and takes a huge hit from the thick joint he is holding. He smiles as his cheeks turn red and then he blows out the hit and sighs.

“Yeah so I get up to the room, one of the cheapo ones mind you. I had a maxed out players card and I used my points to get one of the basic suites. So I get up there and of course the place is just nicer than you can imagine. Coming from sleeping in the back of my truck, this is heaven ya know? So I get in there and take the longest bath while watching the cartoon network you’ve ever dreamed of taking. I had the room service bring me up some Heineken, cause when your going fancy you go all the way baby. So eventually about 11:30 or so I guess I fell out and around 1am or so something woke me up. I am not sure what it was but I got up out of the tub, and man I was a wrinkled fucker I can tell ya. I stumble in there and crashed out on the bed.”Hanzo tells them and takes another massive hit from his joint.

“At least you lived it up a bit on the last night of the world, I was sleeping on a cot, in a cabin in the woods, with him,”Joey says pointing at Darren.

“Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I didn’t know you boys swung that way,”Hanzo says without missing a beat.

“For one, I don’t and we had separate cots, but if I did, he’s easy just ask ole Chevelle over there,”Darren laughs.

“Fuck both of you, I was stuck in the back of a limo for two days with ‘the dead pimp ass’ channel playing on tv,”Chevelle says.

“Yeah, fuck both of ya, the closest we got to modern convenience was a decanter we used to piss in,”Candy says.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 43: Calamari Anyone…?

December 5, 2010 2 comments

“Why in the hell would you want a sample of that slime stuff?”Candy asks.

“Well, I had an idea that if it hurt you two guys that much, we should try to make some kinda weapon of it,”Mark says.

“Like some kinda spray?”Darren asks.

“Well, yeah I guess so,”Mark replies.

“Yeah, well you just went from Ghostbusters one to two…”Joey replies.

“Which as we all know, ended up with those dudes, with huge sprayers of that shit, coating down a statue all bukakke-style,”Darren says.

“Yeah, and no one wants a giant statue bukakke on their resume man, so let’s not do that shall we,”Joey replies.

“Oh, so bukakke you know all about, but anime your grossed out by? Whatever man,”Ray says shaking his head, he stands up and walks to the kitchen, “The pig is ready, lets eat.”

“Now, you got me worried, about what you might have glazed that pig with while we were gone,”Candy says.

“Oh ya know, this and that…Perhaps something with this?”Ray says with a creepy laugh showing them a syringe.

“Ok, maybe I will pass on the outer layers of pig today,”Joey laughs.

“Oh come on where is your sense of adventure,”Ray replies.

“My sense of adventure is in bed with her,”Joey says pointing to Chevelle.

“Adventure in the bed? I don’t think she will you get away with that bukakke shit in the bedroom man, your full of it,”Darren says.

“Wait a second, you said you were aiming for my tits, I didn’t know you were into the whole face-defiling thing,”Chevelle says.

“We should change your name to Krispy-Creme,”Ray laughs from the kitchen.

“Fuck you robot boy,”Chevelle says, throwing a Tentacle Rape Monthly magazine at him in through the kitchen.

“That magazine is imported man, be more careful,”Ray says putting it on the top of the fridge.

“Those people who made that magazine have now had their dreams turned to nightmare since this all went down man,”Joey says.

“What do you mean people, you mean those pervie Japanese men,”Chevelle says.

“Well… uhm… That is uhm… Well that is to say… That is not exactly true…”Ray says.

“What do you mean? Which part isn’t true?”Dawn asks.

“Well if you take a look at the magazine uhm that publishers name is Haramatsu Aiko, and well… Aiko is a girl’s name guys,”Ray tells them.

“Your full of shit Ray,”Candy says.

“A woman publishes that piece of shit?”Chevelle asks.

“No fucking way,”Dawn laughs.

Joey picks up the June 2009 issue from beside him on the floor and opening it sees that right under the table of contents sure enough is her name right there in print. He laughs and hands it to Chevelle.

“Jesus what the fuck is wrong with those people,”Chevelle says.

“Fuck all this jizz-glazed tentacle-rape bullshit, we need to come up with a plan of some sort to deal with these things. But in the meantime, I am fucking starving, so you can sit around in here and argue about tit-jizming octopus all day long if you like. Me, I am going outside and getting some food,”Mark says, standing up.

They all get up and walk out back, Candy and Chevelle grabs some plates as they go through the kitchen and Ray grabs a bunch of paper towels. They all go out to find Mark carving off a huge chunk of the pig.

“God damn it smells good, I am so fucking hungry, holy hell,”Joey says.

“Hey where is the cheese?”Dawn asks.

“I have no idea,”Joey says.

“Did we leave it in the truck?”Dawn asks.

“I have no idea?”Candy says.

“Did anyone get it out of Hanzo’s truck?”Dawn asks.

“Don’t look at me, I am so hungry I have lost the capacity for rational thought,”Chevelle says.

“All right listen the cheese would be nice but I have demons or something talking in my ear, I am a bit more concerned with that at the moment,”Darren says.

“Ok fine, I will go get the cheese myself,”Dawn says.

Dawn sets her plate on a folding chair and walks around the side of the house. She is gone for a few minutes and comes back with Hanzo behind her.

“Hey check it out we got gouda,”Dawn says getting a big wheel of gouda out of a bulging bag of cheese.

“Right on,”Joey says.

“So Hanzo, are you ever going to tell us how you ended up with a pallet of money from the Bellagio,”Darren says.

“Actually I have 5 pallets,”Hanzo replies as he takes a plate piled high with pork from Mark with a nod.

“You have 5 pallets of cash in the back of your truck?”Darren

“Yes sir. the rapid ramen is packed with MSG and a massive amount of cash man,”Hanzo tells them with a laugh.

“Okay, but how did you get it?”Chevelle asks.

“Packed with MSG? You mean Ramen for real cause pork goes good with Ramen noodles man,”Darren says.

“Yes actually, I have two pallets of Ramen noodles in there, I was worried I would run outta food, so I just grabbed ’em from a Costco outside of Vegas,”Hanzo tells them.

“So it really is the rapid Ramen,”Mark says.

“You got it man,”Hanzo replies with a smile.

“Say Ray, you ever done re-fried noodles and pork?”Darren asks.

Ray smiles and runs into the kitchen and comes back out with a box covered in Japanese Kanji and the word WOK on it. In his other hand he has a bottle of soy sauce.

“Stir-fry anyone? Too bad we don’t have any calamari,”Ray says smiling.

“We could always chop up that thing in your room and see how that turns out,”Darren says.

“Hey you leave my toy’s toys alone dang it,”Ray says, “Besides it specifically says non-edible on the box.”

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 42: Fuck You Egon…

“A green thumb and a golden thimble? More like a blue dildo and a robotic whore,”Candy says laughing at Ray.

“Hey, I have a 3rd-degree black-belt in modified electronics,”Ray replies smiling as he takes a huge hit from his bong and passes it to Mark.

“I didn’t know they gave out black-belts for robot-assisted jerking-off,” Mark says laughing.

“Tell you what. I could always reboot her and put on her martial arts program that I installed and customized and see if you can beat her,”Ray says laughing.

“Dude, knowing you that bitch would smash your teeth in and then forcefully blow ya while ramming a tentacle dildo in your ear,”Joey laughs and lights up another joint.

“Well, that is one of her attachments,”Ray laughs.

“So your saying she is proficient in the +2 rubber tentacle,”Darren laughs.

“Put your dildos away and tell us what the hell really happened in that house back there,”Dawn says.

“Well as you know, we went inside to find Elizabeth’s girl Stephanie. The inside of the place was about what you’ve seen a million times before, a TV, a couch and a coffee table. Except that on this particular coffee table, the girl was stretched out with her guts flayed open and around six or seven guys worth of jizz running out of her. It looked to me like they had their fun while they cut her open,”Joey says, looking down his eye blank, with the memory of that horrific sight.

“As we looked at the reality of this poor girl lying there hacked open like she had been fillet’d like a trout. There was this bulge that moved in her throat at first. It was almost as if something was squirming in there trying to get out,”Darren says.

“See to me, Darren the thing I saw right off the bat even before we saw her throat bulge like that, was her forehead had been carved with the shape of a pentagram and through it a reddish light was beaming that shape onto the ceiling, that right there freaked me out. It was like there was something buried in her head that was shining a light out and toward the sky,”Joey says.

“Yeah for me, it was just the horror of seeing her splayed open like that and then something pushing its way out of her mouth. It was a black-skinned tentacle with an eyeball on the end of it. It flopped around and then settled down staring right at us,”Darren says.

“Then some more of the tentacles came out of the base of her throat and one of them wrapped around her lung and picked it up and chunked it in my face, it was covered in her blood and in this sick-smelling slime that was coated real thick on each of the tentacles. The slime hit my face and burned real bad in my eye. I managed to close my right eye in time but the left one got some of that stuff in there,”Joey says.

“It burned a shape into his eye,”Chevelle tells them.

“What do you mean a shape,”Mark asks.

“Here take a look,”Joey says.

Joey sits up and grabs a flashlight and leans over the couch toward Ray and Mark and he shines the light at his eye and moves aside the eye-patch. They both gaze at the odd pentagram-like shape burned into the pupil of his eye. Dawn and Vish lean in to take a look as well and then he pulls the eye-patch back in place.

“Now when I look at their little pentagrams and such I can sometimes see them. That is how I knew your neighbor wasn’t your neighbor anymore,”Joey says, sitting back down beside Chevelle.

“The next thing was, I saw Joey go down and I opened fire. I emptied my clip into that poor girl’s head and shoulders and another of those tentacles grabbed her heart and threw it at me just as my clip hit empty. I dropped the gun and sliced it as it flew at me, with my machete. It split in mid-air and the right hunk of it splattered into my ear as it went by and I got that slime on the side of my head. Some of it must have got in there, because now I can hear things when I am nearby one of their rituals. Trust me though, you don’t wanna know what they are saying,”Darren tells them.

“So I wiped enough of that stuff out of my right eye to be able to see, just in time to see Darren get hit with the heart and go down. I yelled out and emptied my clip into the base of those tentacles. The tentacle, when it fell to the carpet, lit on fire and seemed to melt. The whole place went up like it was made of matches and I grabbed up Darren and dove the fuck outta there,”Joey says taking a sip off his whiskey bottle.

Dawn and Vish stare at them, for a long time and Mark and Ray pass the bong back and forth a few times.

“Dude it’s like a fucking horror movie or some shit,”Dawn says.

“It’s like one of my anime’s, sorta this dude could see ghosts from an eye like that,”Ray tells them.

“Oh great, so now my fucking eye looks like one of Ray’s tentacle-rapist-heroes, awesome thanks Ray…”Joey says, with a sigh as he leans back on the couch.

“There’s no tentacles in this anime, just some S&M,”Ray replies smiling.

“Dude, you’re not making it any better,”Joey says.

“At least you didn’t swallow any of that stuff, be happy about that,”Ray says.

“Well hell, did you get a sample of the slime?”Mark asks.

“Fuck you Egon,”Joey and Darren say at the same time.

Categories: Uncategorized