Posts Tagged ‘bacon humor’

Episode 0: The flash

Joey and Darren pulled their beat-up pickup into the gas station and parked by the pump. The engine shuddered and died with a metallic clank. To their left was a stretch limo with what looked like a dead man in a fur coat hanging out of the drivers-side window.

“Dude, I think that guy you ran over back there left his fucking forearm in the radiator,” Darren says, looking down at the steaming hood.

“I ain’t walking all the way back to New Orleans man, see if that limo has the keys in there.”

Stepping over to the 1973 Cadillac limo, Darren peeks over the dead man’s shoulder.

“Yeah, there are some keys in there. Help me pull this dead pimp-looking fucker outta here!”

Getting out of the truck, Joey grabs their shotguns and leans them against the limo. They each grab a shoulder and yank the corpse out of the window. The body falls to the parking lot with a sickening thump, its throat cut ear to ear.

From the back of the limo, a weak thumping noise could be heard. Joey walks to the back door and looks through the glass. There are two very skinny girls weakly pounding their fists against the sunroof.

Joey opens the door. The two women fell out on the ground.

“What the hell are you two bitches doing hiding in a limo with a dead pimp hanging on the fucking door?”

“Randy never unlocked the doors when we stopped and got his fool throat cut,” The redheaded girl says “Do you have any water?”

“Here, have a sip of this Busch,” Darren says, pulling a tall-boy from the cargo pocket of his pants.

The girls both grab at the can, The brunette pulls the tab and they both share the beer until it is gone.

“What the hell is going on?” Darren asks. “We have seen more dead bodies on the road then there are flies in an outhouse.”

“Where the hell have you two been? The fucking world ended a month ago. Goddamn fire from the sky fell down and destroyed everything.”

“We’ve been hunting out in the swamp, ya know?” Joey says. “Gators and any birds we happen to see.”

“We did seen us a flash, but we thought one of the refineries blew up. This ain’t the first time that’s happened.” Darren mumbles.

“You girls got any weed? Fucking Darren bogarted the last roach couple days ago.”

“Randy keeps a big pile of buds in the humidor on his coffee table in the French quarter,” The brunette says.

“Right on. Let’s go!” Joey yells.

“Hang on a sec,” the redhead says, walking toward the store. “Let me go inside and get some chips or something.”

“Get me a cigar, and get Joey a pouch of Red-Man!” Darren calls after her.

“And get some Zig-Zags!”