Archive for November, 2009

Episode 10: Cry me a river…

After several minutes of laughter, “I think she needs to teach you how to shoot Darren. You’ve never hit anything near that spread.” Marty says.

“He sure the fuck hasn’t.” Joey says.

“You shit!  ..You fucking asshole!” Darren yells, “Your supposed to be like family, what happened to the love man?”

“Go fuck yourself. You’ve never shot fer shit and you know it. …I need a goddamn beer,” Joey says.

“A beer does sound nice,” Candy says.

“Let’s go upstairs and clean off those rifles, they were rained on for a little bit there and I don’t like rust.  It’s bad for business. After that, we can play some poker and have some more Gator tail. How’s that sound,” Marty says.

They turn and walk up the stairs towards the gun shop. Halfway up to the door above, Darren looks over at Angie.

“Hey your Pinto out front… Yeah …it fucking exploded earlier when ole Ned, god rest his retarded soul ran smack into it and blew it to hell,” Darren says.

“Bullshit…” Angie begins.

“No really he did too, made one hell of a mess too.” Joey says.

“Yeah he’s right, sorry Angie but your car is scrap metal…” Marty tells her.

“Mother fucker!” she yells.

They all file into the store, turning they proceed up the stairs to the living room. Where they find Junior cleaning the AR-15’s from earlier.

“Hey we were just coming up here to do that, but since your done, fuck it let’s break out the beer,” Joey says.

“Beer is good,” Chevelle tells them.

“Yeah it is. How many do you want Candy?” Darren asks eyeing her.

Darren grabs up the cooler from beside the couch and begins passing out the brews. Judy takes the can of Busch from Darren and walks into the kitchen, there is a metallic whoosh sound as she opens it up.  Immediately afterward there is a sound of pots and pans clinking together.

“I cannot believe my fucking car blew up and you didn’t tell me you ass,” Angie says smacking Junior on the back of the head.

“Hey don’t smack him, I asked if I could be the one to tell you,” Darren explains.

“Go fuck yourself. If that is the case then your happy ass is coming with me to the goddamn Ford dealership and I am finally getting that Mustang I’ve always wanted,” Angie says.

“With that shitty attitude, for a waitress. You were never going to get enough tips to buy a Mustang.  So I guess this whole end of the world shit, has done hooked you up,” Darren says.

“Yeah well our limo is boxed in now, so we will tag along anyhoo.  We need some new wheels,” Joey tells her, sipping his beer with a contented sigh.

Over the sound of grease starting to pop on a hot pan Judy says, “Ain’t none of you leaving till you’ve ate. I don’t cook fer leftovers. I cook now, you eat now.”

“Hey, I have never turned down dinner,” Joey says patting his belly.

“From the looks of you. You’ve never missed a meal,” Chevelle says.

“You love it,” Joey says patting his belly again.

“Well, I’ve certainly seen worse, that’s for sure. You are a bit cute though so it’s not too bad,” she say poking him in the belly like the dough-boy, and then slapping him in the face, “But don’t get cocky about it.”

“Wow, Joey your about as subtle as a rusty spoon…” Junior says.

“He is doing ok, I kinda like him. But I have no idea what Angie sees in you though, your too skinny…” Chevelle tells him.

“He isn’t ever too skinny he is just right. You leave him alone,” Angie pouts.

“The kid does look like he needs to be introduced to some hamburgers,” Joey observes.

“Come and get it,” Judy yells from the kitchen.

“Food, right on.  Get the hell outta my way,” Joey says barreling for the kitchen dragging Chevelle along by the hand.

“Yeah everyone moves outta that bulls way, he needs to get to his feedin’ trough,” Darren laughs.

“How are you two still friends… You each cut on eat other like one of Judy’s deep-fried thanksgiving turkeys,” Marty observes.

“Well, thats what friends do. We first met in 5th grade.  I’s taking a piss at the urinal, he creeps up beside me and bumps my elbow and well, it was on.  We beat the hell outta each other, ripped the stall door down and then both got marched over ta the principals office, all black and blue,” Darren explains, “We been friends ever since.”

“Oh how touching… Now let’s go eat before Joey hogs it all,” Candy says pulling Darren up from the couch.

Half an hour later, Judy clears away the plates and dishes while Marty breaks out a deck of cards. From the drawer beside the sink he pulls out a small tin.  Emblazoned on the top is a banner that say Remington “First in the Field”.

Carefully Marty opens up the tin and takes out the card deck.  Looking at it lovingly he takes the jokers off the top and puts them back in the tin. Meanwhile Judy passes out $500 in chips to everyone.

Taking up the deck Judy shuffles the cards and deals everyone out two cards.

“Okay, this is no-limit Texas Hold ’em.  If you don’t know the rules, you’re going to lose. Small blind is 10 big blind is 20,” she explains.

Darren puts out the small blind as he is sitting to Judy’s left.  Candy to Darren’s left puts out the big blind.  Angie is first to act sitting next to Candy and she glances at her cards, a 6-J both diamonds suited and tosses in a call.  Junior looks at his cards, 2-2 hearts and clubs  and glancing around calls as well.  Marty looks at his cards a 10-10 diamonds and hearts and throws in a call.  Joey looks down at his cards, Q-Q clubs and diamonds. Chevelle looks down at 9-J both spades, and tosses in a call. Judy looks down at Q-2 and throws in a call.  Darren in the small blind looks down at K-clubs and A-spades and throws in a ten-dollar chip.  Candy looks down at 3-6 diamonds and spades and calls.

Nodding Judy burns a card and lays out the flop.  It comes out 10-spades, 7-clubs and the 8-spades.  Darren, first to act counts out and tosses $50 into the pot.  Candy looks down at her cards again and sees that she is one card, a 9 from a straight and throws in a call to Darren’s raise.  Angie calls the $50, needing a 9 as well for a straight.  Junior looks down at his pair of ducks and folds.  Marty looks down at his set of 10’s and throws out the $50. Joey looks down at his pair of queens and decides to call as well.  Chevelle, who flopped a straight, casually throws out $50.  Judy folds her queen deuce.

Picking up the deck again, Judy burns a card and lays out the Turn card, which is a king of spades. Darren grabs up $100 in chips and tosses it into the pot with his pair os kings with an Ace kicker.  Candy in the big blind looks back down at her hand sees that she still could win with a nine for a straight and now only needs one more spade for a flush to win with that, so she calls Darren’s $100 raise. Angie looks down at her hand and folds not liking her chances of getting a nine on the river. Marty looks down at his set of tens and throws in the $100 as well. Joey still likes his queens and calls the $100 bucks, not believing anyone has a king to pair up with the board. Chevelle, having turned a flush casually throws in the $100 call as well, hoping to keep the betting going.

Judy picks up the deck again and burning a card lays out the river, which is a Queen of spades.

Smiling Darren pushes the rest of his chips into the pot saying, “I’m all in.”

Candy looks down and realizes her flush is probably not any good and folds. Marty looks down worried about the flush, anyone with a spade has him, so he folds.  Joey is next up, he got the queen he was hoping for and oblivious to the possible flush out there, says, “All in.”

Chevelle smiles and pushes all of her chips into the middle with her Straight flush. “Let’s see ’em boys.”

Darren flips over his Ace high flush and smiles at Joey, looks very crestfallen as his trip queens fell on their faces.  Chevelle however lays down the winning hand with her straight flush causing Darren to flinch.

“Holy shit one that can shoot and one that can play cards better than Gambit,” Darren says accepting defeat with his jolly smile.

“No shit, Chevelle darlin’ what will it take to get you to marry me?” Joey asks.

“Listen, I like you and everything, but momma always said to test drive a car before you buy it,” Chevelle replies.

“Oh, shit.”

“Y’all can’t just run off from the table with all the chips,” Marty says.

“Cry me a river Marty, I’ve got a test drive to go see to, but here, I’ll tip the cook for a wonderful dinner,” Chevelle says pushing all her chips over to Judy, who smiles and nods at her.

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Episode 9: Candy Snipers…

Thunder rolls across the black clouds in the sky over head, flashes of lightning stab down in the distance and the rain begins to sprinkle.

Picking up a rifle from the weather proof rifle case and snapping off the safety, Joey leans down beside Marty on the ledge looking toward the street.

Darren grabs an AR-15 from the case as well and kneels by the ledge looking through the scope.

The rain begins pouring down as the first group of the diseased pus-buckets run around the corner screaming and moaning for blood.

Darren lines up a shot and leading his target squeezes the trigger.  The three round burst tears through the thing’s head blowing its brains across the pavement like a watermelon that’s been hit with a hammer. Searching for his next target the others begin firing as well.

Joey lines up a shot on the head of a guy with so many pustules on his face he barely looks human anymore. Squeezing the trigger he grins as the creature’s head blows open, its torn flesh flapping in the winds brought on the rain as it crumbles to the ground.

“You are one ugly mother fucker,” Darren says as he squeezes the trigger again and watches as it’s brains blow out coating another one’s face.

“Ok that was awesome!” Joey yells

“This is better than gator hunting any day!” Darren yells

With no more targets Darren looks around through the scope and then lowers the Ar-15 to his hip.  Smiling he looks all around and then looks up as a flash of lightning crashes down nearby.  The following thunder blast shakes the whole roof and Marty stands up.  He motions for everyone to get inside.  The guys move back downstairs shaking off the rain and wiping down the rifles with cloths handed to them by Marty. They put the rifles in the rack along the wall and follow Marty down the stairs.

They go back down into the living room and as they get there they hear the muffled shots going off over the sounds of the rain and thunder outside.

Junior walks over the ottoman by the sofa and opens the top of it revealing several rows of pistols in their holsters and stacks of ammo.  Closing the lid he moves to the couch and opens up the seat on it as well revealing more rifles and several shotguns, with yet more piles of ammo boxes.

“Hey dad where is that new gun oil bottle we opened earlier?”

“How the fuck should I know boy, you were using it to clean a gun earlier,” Marty replies.

“Oh yeah, but I swear I left it right here man,” Junior says motioning towards the coffee table.

“Hey, where did them girls get to?” Darren asks.

“I don’t see ’em in the kitchen,” Joey says glancing into the other room.

“Sounds like they are out in the shooting range with Mama,” Marty says, “Follow me.”

They follow Marty down to the store’s main room and beside the stairs he opens a thick metal door.  As it swings open multiple gunshots ring out.

They move down a short hallway grabbing up ear-muffs hanging from the wall as they walk putting them on. They come into a large room behind the women as they stand shooting down the range.

Chevelle has the pearl handled .38 and is  shooting it with a big grin on her face.

Candy has a Remington .223 Model Seven Predator rifle in her hands, her eye in the scope as she shoots and then rocks back the lever quickly chambering another round. As they watch she shoots and again instantly chambers another round without blinking or even pausing and fires once more.

“Okay ladies, hold up… stop it dammit!” Judy yells from behind them as she stands next to Angie.

The girls stop shooting and set their guns on the counters before them.

“Let’s pull in these targets and see how ya did,” Judy says flipping two switches on the wall beside her.

The clicking noises as the chains pull the targets from way down the long narrow room is barely audible above the ear-muffs they are all wearing.

The target on the left, that Chevelle was shooting at has a massive spread out cluster of bullet holes right in the crotch. She has hit 12 out of 15 shots right in the groin area of the poor paper man.

“Wow, ok so Chevelle has hit 12 times, very good shooting, a tad low honey, but I am sure he would have gone down,” Judy says nodding at her, “Now Candy here has, hit…..well once it looks like? Wait? Hang on..”

Judy moves up and removes the paper target from the bracket.  Turning she walks with it over to Marty and the both hold up the top corner and look at it up close.

“Shit…” Marty says.

“Holy fuck…all in the head…” Joey says looking over Marty’s shoulder.

“She fucking hit all 15 shots in the same…what two inch area. Goddamn!” Judy yells.

Darren takes a look at the target, walks over to Candy, takes her hands in his, looks her right in the eye and says, “My little Candy Sniper…. Will you marry me?”

She stares at him for a full thirty seconds, then slaps him across the face.

“I think she loves me…” Darren says…

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