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Archive for May, 2010

Episode 21: A Truck to Remember…

They walk around the other side of Ray’s truck. The beer truck had blocked most of the blast but the bed of the truck is covered in dents and punctures.  Walking up to examine it there is a long slender rod of metal stabbing through the side of the truck-bed.  Its length had pierced into one of the cases of beer inside. The silently dripping beer had drained down into the truck liner and was pooling under the cases.

Along the back panel of the truck they count out 215 dents and punctures, one is a human finger stabbed through and embedded into the metal itself.

“Wow man! That fucking guy went out with a bang!” Mark exclaims.

“Here here lets raise a toast to the truck and to that crazy wild-eyed bastard, who gave his life that he might shred his enemies,” Joey says handing everyone a beer.

They raise their beers up on high, “A truck remembered,” they toast.

Ray gets on a pair of work gloves and pulls the huge skewer out of the bed of his truck with the help of some pliers. Joey and Darren lean in through the windows of their smashed truck and grab out all the cigarettes and supplies, that were left in the cab.  They load it over into the bed of Ray’s truck.

“Where is my duffel bag dumb ass?” Darren asks Joey.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know? Back at the gun shop I am betting, so now I was in charge of your bag? When did that happen?” Joey asks.

“Well where is your bag?” Darren asks.

“I don’t have a fucking bag, I keep all my ammo on me,” Joey says.

“Okay then, where is your stuff?” Darren says.

“My stuff is in my backpack, back at the gun shop, I guess…” Joey says.

“Isn’t that a coincidence, you don’t have no shit neither,” Darren says.

“Well unless your planning on never going back I am betting our shit will be safer in that gun shop than in the back of that,” Joey says pointing to the mangled truck.

“Unless Angie didn’t make it back, in which case they might just sell or trade our shit to someone, then where will we be?” Darren asks.

“Well fucked, I guess are you saying you want to turn around and go back for our shit right now?” Joey asks.

“It’s not like we can turn back anyhow, we’re on a mission here,” Darren says.

“Would Ray even want to turn back?” Joey asks him.

“Well we could use some ammo, even I am running low here,” Ray says.

“Well fuck I could use some more ammo as well,” Dawn says.

“Yeah I am almost out of buck shot here too,” Mark says.

“We are about to cross through a few more neighborhoods to even get to this cheese farm, so we are going to need some more ammo here very soon,” Chevelle says.

“Yeah we haven’t gotten very far at all and we’ve already used up this much ammo, this doesn’t bode well,” Ray says.

“Ok, so then let’s head back over to Blackout’s Gun Shop real quick and get us some ammo and our gear, we have a ton of supplies in the limo parked out front as well,” Joey says.

“Yeah it is either, go back now or not make it back at all,” Mark says.

So Joey, Chevelle, Darren and Candy all climb into the back of Ray’s truck. Dawn, Mark and Ray climb into the front and Ray starts it up.

They back out and head back down 20 the way they came.

“This just seems like we are not getting anywhere,” Candy says.

“It does seem silly but once we get our stuff and some more ammo we will be set up good,” Joey replies.

“Beside check out that sign man, we never made it very far anyhow,” Ray says.

A sign on the side of the road as they pass declares Gibson, five miles.

They drive back over and turn on Carrol street, Ray pulls into the Ford Dealership and Darren and Joey hop out.  They run over and find the keys exactly where they left them on the hood of a Taurus.  Candy and Chevelle follow along, and they all crowd around checking out the keys.

“Hey, dipshits isn’t that your fucking backpacks right over there on the ground?” Candy asks sarcastically.

Both Darren and Joey look at each other blankly. Chevelle and Candy start laughing.

“I knew you had a fucking backpack when we left the gunshop, you left it here the whole fucking time,” Chevelle laughs.

“At least I have a change of skivvies now and as a bonus some more ammo to stay alive,” Darren says.

“Oh no man, this sucks,” Joey says staring at the keys.

“What… What is wrong?” Chevelle says.

“The only Custom F350 left is hot pink,” Joey says.

“Well what about this one, it is only a stock F350 but it’s a dually and it’s black,” Candy says.

“Sold,” says Darren grabbing up the key.

They head over to their new truck picking up their backpacks along the way and light up a joint and pass it around while Darren pulls it over to the gas pump and fills it up. Joey tosses their backpacks into the truck bed.

They all hop in after transferring their rest of their stuff out of the back of Ray’s truck. Darren fires it up and they pull out and take a right heading for the gun shop.  They drive carefully past the building where the sniper had been hiding out. He apparently really had not had a friend up there with him, or he was taking a nap. Either way they cruise on past and dodge around the masses of wrecked stalled and burned out cars, trucks and mini-vans.

They go down to Mary street and take a left and stop a good distance from the gun shop to have a look. There is a blue mustang out front but as they watch the Mustang backs out and Junior and Angie drive past them. Junior waves as they roll past while Angie flips them off.

Darren pulls the truck up a bit and a leaning out of the window waves at the gun shop.  Marty stands up from the roof and waves at him.

Smiling Darren pulls the truck up to the crater in the road and puts it into park.

Ray pulls up the truck beside him and parks it and they all get out.

“I haven’t seen old Marty since about a month before all this started man.” Mark tells them.

“Yeah he is a good guy and Judy is a sweetheart,” Dawn replies.

“And it looks like we don’t have to put up with the super bitch, since she just left!” Darren says laughing.

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Episode 20: Knights of the 12 pack…

A solemn silence falls over the four of them as they drive away, no one speaks. Each of them is wrapped in their thoughts of what they had just seen.

Candy passes around a joint and they quietly nod and get high again, their buzz having been completely ruined by the flaming scene burning still, in their mind’s eye.

Up ahead on the right they see a gas station, and as they get closer they see Dawn and Mark pointing out the window at something. They pull up behind Ray as he turns in and parks and there before them, sits a huge semi-truck with the words Miller Beer painted on the side.

“Well hallelujah!” Joey says as Darren throws it into park and they climb out of the trucks.

“Fuck yeah, it’s like we found the fucking holy grail dudes!” Dawn yells.

“Women at the back of the line, men first. It might be dangerous stay back,” Darren yells.

“Yeah hang back a second let’s check this store out too, could be some freaks in there,” Mark says laughing.

Candy walks over and slides up one of the segmented doors on the side of the truck.

Inside their eagerly staring eyes find only empty metal racks that once held case after case of beer.

“Mother fucking son of a bitch, of course it’s empty,” Mark yells.

Dawn, Chevelle and Candy walk around the other side of the truck while the guys stand there dejected.

There is a gunshot, which echoes out across the parking lot. The guys glance at each other and all run around the other side of the truck. Where they find Dawn putting her still smoking revolver back in its holster and Candy removing a padlock from the sliding door on this side of the truck. Chevelle and Dawn both grab and yank the door up at once, revealing case after case of Miller beer.

“Oh god yes!” Mark yells grabbing a case off the top and setting it down at his feet.

He turns one of the twelve packs on its side in the cardboard tray and tears it open.  Grabbing out cans he hands one to everyone.

“To the end of the world and the knights of the twelve pack!” He yells raising his beer.

“To the end of the world!” they all yell at once and slam their beers.

Joey grabs up two cases and takes them over and puts them into the back of the truck. Darren follows suit with two cases. The girls each grab one and soon they are all loading the beds of the trucks with as much beer as they can take. They eventually empty out the entire side of the truck into the beds of their pick-ups.

Dawn and the girls go inside the store and come out with bags of chips and a few candy bars.

“There isn’t much left in there its pretty well ransacked,” Dawn explains.

Joey wanders inside with Ray and Darren.  The store has been looted quite well.  The cigarette display behind the counter is completely empty and the coolers are as well. There is a scattering of blood and chip bags on the tiled-floor and a bloody knife slid into one corner.

Joey walks over to the cooler and yanks it open. Inside there is a man in a Conoco uniform, he has been shot in the face and lies in a pool of blood and released bowels.

“I guess it doesn’t pay to run a gas station these days,” Ray says looking over his shoulder.

“Well there is only one other place to look, let’s see whats in the office shall we?” Joey says stepping up to the closed-door across from the cooler.

He tries the handle and it’s locked so he takes a step back and boots the door open.  The door crashes open revealing a tidy office, where someone once did all the paperwork and such.  Also in the room on the left behind the big desk is a locked cabinet.

“Well my friends, what would you guess it behind door number two here?” Joey asks.

“Only one way to find out,” Darren says.

“Yup,” Joey says taking out his 9mm.

“Hey hold up, how about you use the fucking key dude?” Darren says nodding to a ring of keys hanging over the desk.

“Wow, you been hanging out with Candy too long bro, she’s got you all city smart and shit,” Joey says grabbing up the key-ring.

“Hey man, some of us do try to better ourselves eventually there Joey,” Darren laughs.

“Yeah tell me that next time your pissing out the window of the truck mother-fucker,” Joey laughs.

“Hey when you gotta go you gotta go, and sometimes your steering dude, and I don’t wanna ruin that new truck smell,” Darren replies.

Finding the proper key Joey gets the cabinet open, revealing carton after carton of cigarettes.

“Well fuck yeah,” Joey says grabbing up a couple of cartons of Camels.

“Hell yes,” Darren says.

Ray grabs up a stack of Thank You for shopping here, plastic bags and yanking a few off, he says, “Fill ‘er up man.”

They load up 5 bags each of Cartons and carry them out to the trucks.  They go back in and empty out the rest of the cabinet.

On their way back to the truck, Mark stops them and nods his head up Bullrun Rd. They glance that way and see about 40 people stumbling across the field heading toward them. Candy, Chevelle and Dawn open fire.  Ray, Mark, Joey and Darren grab their guns from the trucks and start shooting as well.

A voice from their right yells out, “You killed my Melody you son’s a bitches,” A massive engine starts up and the trees immediately across the road start falling as a massive crane rumbles into view.

The group continues shooting as the huge wrecking ball on the crane swings down and wipes out a swath of the approaching zombies. They fly like pins in a bowling alley as the ball connects with them. The ball swings up again and as it descends once more some of the creatures turn and scramble toward the crane.  The ball connects once again and five of the zombies are launched toward them.  They scramble out of the way and the flying bodies smash into the roof of the store and the back-end of the beer truck.  The infected turn and swarm over the cab of the crane smashing their faces and hands into the glass.  The man in the crane makes a gesture for them to run, and raises up a box in his hands.  There is a plunger on the top of the box and from his wild-eyed gaze they suddenly all know what is about to happen.  They each turn and run like hell.  About four seconds later there is a concussive blast that sends them all flying. They land and roll over in time to see the huge arm of the crane topple down and the ball bouncing across the road toward them.  The ball smashes the back of Darren and Joey’s truck and continues on across Highway 20 crashing through trees and eventually coming to a stop in the field beyond. Parts from the crane and bits of the bodies rain down on the spreading sea of foam running across the parking lot. The ruins of the truck and the once herculean stack of beer are gone.

“Goddamn it I loved that truck!” Joey says getting to his feet once again.

“Well if I was a truck and I had to die, I cannot think of a better way to go. Wouldn’t you like to die in a bath of beer?” Ray says.

Darren stands there stoically quiet with silent tears of hopeless loss running down his cheeks. Candy comes over and puts her arm around his waist and he unconsciously holds her tight, his pain written on his features. A tide of foam washes across the tops of his snake-boots as he buries his face in her hair.

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Episode 19: Wrong side of the Tracks…

“Well that was some fucking fucked up fucking shit right there man!” Joey yells.

“No shit man, what the fuck was that?” Dawn asks.

“I need a fucking drink dude,” Mark says.

“You had a one a minute ago when you were shooting mailboxes,” Ray says.

“Oh I killed that one man,” Mark says laughing and rubbing his belly.

“See this is why I don’t invite you over to my house very often,” Ray says sarcastically.

“You don’t invite me over too often because I smoke all your fucking weed man,” Mark says.

“Yeah that too,” Ray laughs.

“Ok rest stop is over let’s get fucking going man,” Joey says handing Mark a fresh beer.

“Yeah that cheese isn’t going to pick itself up,” Candy says.

They all pile into the trucks and take a left onto Highway 20. Ray’s truck is in front again with Darren and Joey following behind.

“You think we ought to try to get us some more beer while we are out? It looks like we are not going back to the gun shop and getting all those beers out of the limo anytime soon,” Joey says.

“Ok there is a little gas station up ahead in Donner we can try to go to, if it hasn’t been fully ransacked,” Darren says.

“Ok well pull up along side Ray and let’s tell them what we’re gonna do,” Chevelle says.

Darren guns the engine and pulls up along side Ray’s truck, they dodge out-of-the-way of a wrecked pair of cars and then swerve back over. Ray rolls down the window and leans a bit out.

“Hey we’re going to stop at the gas station up ahead and get more beer man, we are running out,” Joey yells.

“Works for me,” Ray yells out.

“How many do you have left?” Mark yells.

“This one,” Joey yells holding up the last beer.

They get back behind Ray’s truck again and keep hauling ass down Highway 20.  They see Mark in the truck up ahead motion out the window at something as they go by. Turning to look they see what he was pointing at.  A semi-truck smashed into someone’s mobile-home there is burned wreckage and scorched remains everywhere.

“That is a hell of an express delivery, he could have at least asked them if they had a drive-thru,” Darren says.

“Dude this whole fucking world is fucked up now, damn dude,” Joey says lighting up another joint and passing it around.

“Dude we fucking told you man, everything is like this now,” Chevelle says passing the joint back up to Candy.

“Look at that shit dude, someone tore the upper part of that chick off and stuck it on that headless cow’s body dude,” Joey says motioning to the field they are passing with a pile of gore-covered remains rotting under the sun.

“Holy fuck shit your right dude,” Darren says.

“Check that shit out,” Candy says.

They look to their left and there is a mobile home with a huge white barn behind it.  The barn has a pentagram painted on it in what appears to be blood. There is a skinned cow nailed to the barn with that looks like railroad spikes.  Below this grisly scene is a dais made of the front of a rusty tractor and on its blood-covered surface an eviscerated woman lies with a huge cloud of flies hovering over her corpse.

They pass around the joint a few more times when Darren says, “Dude did you see that?” Darren slows the truck down a bit.

They look over and see a bunch of dogs in a fenced-in kennel they all appear to have no skin and there is a man wrapped up in the barb-wire on the top of the fencing. He is hanging from the barbed wire but the dogs have eaten his legs up to the hips. He is holding a whistle in his lips and his lifeless eyes stare at them as the roll past. His hand is raised as if to motion for help, but he is long since dead.  On the naked flesh of his chest is carved another pentagram.

They speed back up and catch up to Ray again, and Joey lights up another joint and passes it around.

“Man, I am soo glad we met Ray… an got us some weed dude,” Joey says smiling.

There is a squealing sound as Ray locks up the brakes in front of them. Darren locks up his brakes as well nearly hitting the back-end of Ray’s truck.

“What the fuck…” Joey says as they come to a halt.

“Ray what the fuck…” Darren yells out the window.

A flaming zombie runs from in front of Ray’s truck and into the front of a little house on the right side of the road. On the left side there is a railroad crossing leading to some more trailer homes. They are on fire, and a group of men and women appear over the top of the rise backing away from another group of the infected tossing Molotov cocktails at them as they hurry backward away from the horde closing in on them. Mark hops up onto the window and begins firing his shotgun over the roof of the truck at the horde.  A line of flaming zombies is closing in on the survivors, the horde is like a tidal wave of fire rushing to engulf them all.  The living people turn to run toward the trucks. One of them slips and falls down, the Molotov cocktail in his hand explodes lighting him and the people around him on fire.  They scream dropping their cocktails which erupt in a conflagration of hell. The zombies overrun them all and fall upon them rending flesh and wrenching limbs from bodies. While they themselves cook in the flames.

Mark keeps firing as Ray guns the engine again lurching forward. Darren floors it and follow him closely. Their last sight of it is a pile of bodies writhing in flames until the gas can one of them was carrying goes off. The explosion seems to shake the ground as flaming body parts fly in every direction at once.

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Episode 18: The Bus drops here…

As they come to the end of Deadwood Road, where it passes under highway 90 overpass, and dead-ends into highway 20, they come to a stop looking at a smashed car blocking the road before them.

“It looks like that car fell off of the highway,” Darren says.

“Yeah it does,” Candy replies.

Ray guns his engine and smashes the car off of the road with his truck, the cow-catcher on the front of the truck shoves it right into the grass on the side of the road.

“That’s handy,” Joey says.

As they drive under the bridge following Ray’s truck, the two arms in front of the railroad tracks lower and the lights begin to flash.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Joey asks looking at the railroad crossing.

“Who the fuck is driving a fucking train right now?” Darren asks.

“Check it out Ray is going to ram the gates,” Candy says.

“Oh but wait, look to your left,” Chevelle says.

They all look to their left and see the smoke billowing out of the oncoming train.  There is a scream of some sort from Ray’s truck and he throws it in reverse rather quickly, smoking the tires to get the front of the truck off of the tracks. Darren throws it in reverse and his arm over the passenger side seat and looking back he moves them back out of Ray’s way.

“Hey check it out it’s some more of those fucking black trucks dude,” Darren says looking behind them.

“What..?”

They all turn around and through the back window they see a group of five huge black semi-trucks pass by.  One of the trucks clips a yellow bus marked Amelia High School and it slips from the road and crashes down between their truck and the overpass.

They turn back and the train comes screaming past them, the engine is on fire and the three cars behind it are flaming as well. There is an engineer in the engine of the train and he is frozen in place his hands on the controls and his body on fire. The bent gate scrapes along the side of the train as it goes past the aluminum raining sparks down on the ground of the crossing as the train passes.

Ray opens up the truck door and steps out, Mark and Dawn hop out behind him and Ray lights up a joint as he walks back to Darren’s truck.

“That train is awful long I think we’re going to be here a while,” Ray says.

Joey, Chevelle and Candy hop out of the truck and walk around to join Ray and the others.

“Well I am not being a smart ass here, but I gotta tell ya, those boys don’t look to happy,” Mark tells them.

“Who..?” Joey asks.

They all turn and look at the bus behind them on the road, from the broken windows and out of the smashed open door on the back of the bus spill a group of young men in football gear.  Their faces are bloody with pus-filled sores and they scream and rush toward the five of them.

“Fuck this shit,” Joey says raising his rifle and opening fire.

Darren floors the accelerator and smashes four of them flat under the huge Dually.  His tires grind and spin for a second as he throws it in drive again, blood and guts spray everywhere as the tires finally catch traction and move him off of them.

“I hated this fucking team anyhow, they have cost me too much money over the years, they are too fucking good,” Ray says blowing the back of a football helmet out with a blast from his shotgun.

“Yeah maybe, our team will win this year,” Mark says taking out the kicker with a load of buckshot that tears his neck so badly the things head is hanging only by a tendon of flesh as it falls to the ground..

“You dumbass we already killed our team too,” Dawn says smacking Mark on the back of the head and then firing a shot from her chrome revolver at one of the approaching gore-covered infected team members.

“See this is exactly what happens when a coach makes a kid play when he is too sick to play,” Ray says.

As the last of the football padded horrors crashes to the ground, they all start laughing and Mark begins to walk toward the edge of the road.

“Hey check out the train,” Joey says.

They turn and there is a huge section of cattle cars going by, they are infected and gnashing at the group on the road as they whiz past in their pens.  An infected man on top of the train sees them and walks toward them his arms outstretched. He falls from the train and hits the bent cross-arm which snaps under his momentum and his body skids and rolls across the road into the ditch to their left, leaving a 4-foot-wide swath of blood and entrails.

“Well that proves once and for all they are not that bright,” Ray says.

“It definitely proves they are not that pliable either,” Darren says.

Joey walks over to the edge of the road and looks down at the mess on the embankment just above a brackish pool of standing water in the ditch.

The others gather around him and they all stand there staring down at the scraped and broken corpse for a second, when in a flurry of motion an alligator surges out of the pool of water and rips the corpse in half.  Its jaws chew up the body as the beast, which is covered in pestilent sores drags the remains into the black whirling bog.

“What a shame, that poor gater was huge he would have been good eating, before he got all jacked up,” Darren says.

The water ripples and the infected’s right arm floats to the surface, the fingers twitching as blood forms a pool around the arm on the water.

“Now, I’m not trying to be a wise-ass or anything, this is just me talking here. But uhm… I am sure the fuck glad I didn’t go down there to take a piss just now,” Mark says as he walks to the other side of trucks and takes a piss into the ditch.

“If your shaking it more then three times your cheating on me,” Dawn says.

Another gator rises out of the water and snaps his jaws at Mark as he is pissing.  Mark zips up and runs back around the truck.

“Holy shit you gotta watch where you piss around this fucking place guys,” Mark says.

“Hey check it out,” Joey says.

They turn and the caboose of the train goes by. It is on fire with flaming corpses hanging from the windows and a corpse being dragged along the tracks by a chain connected under its arms. Leaving a smear of gore and entrails behind the locomotive.

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Episode 17: Damn near killed ’em both…

“You are really fixated on that toy, I tell you. Joey I would not be surprised if I find you molesting that thing in the morning,” Ray says laughing.

“Well, until I met Chevelle here, I most likely would have,” Joey says.

“Yeah sorry Ray, he has an actual girl to sleep with now,” Chevelle laughs.

“I have my Candy Sniper, so she only goes into S&M mode with my permission, but how about both of you shut the fuck up and eat?” Darren laughs.

Mark carves off a piece of the pig and holding it on his fork he looks around and says, “You know what would be amazing, some cheese to go with this piggy.”

“Fuck yeah, some cheese would be awesome!” Joey yells.

“Well do you have any cheese there Mr. Ray?” Darren asks.

“If I have any it would be in the fridge,” Ray answers munching on some roasted pork.

“Hang on I will go check,” Candy says walking into the back door of the house.

She comes out a few seconds later holding a cylinder of green in her oven-mitt-covered hand.

“It says Longhorn Style Colby on it but I think it is beyond eating at this point,” Candy laughs.

“Gimme that fucking thing,” Darren says snatching the cheese from her.

He pulls out his knife and cuts a large chunk off the top, revealing a warm golden cheese in the middle of a circle of mold.  He cuts the mold off the edges and pops it into his mouth. He chews loudly while Candy and Chevelle groan in disgust.

“That is so gross,” Candy says.

Darren swallows the huge bite of cheese and then turning his head, vomits it and everything else right back up in the dirt.

“I think…. I think that’s bad cheese,” Darren says grabbing Chevelle’s whiskey bottle and taking three huge gulps.

Ray runs over and grabs a shovel leaning by the back door of the house. He walks back and shovels up the vomit and tosses it into the pig pen.

“Ok, that’s fucking sick,” Dawn says.

“You wanna step in it later?” Ray asks her.

“Uhm, no thanks,” she replies.

“What you need is some fresh cheese, I wonder if there is cheese after the end of the world?” Joey muses.

“Of course there is cheese, unless it’s messed with cheese just ages and tastes better. And there happens to be a dairy farm down the road a piece, where Mark and I bought all our cheeses,” Dawn explains.

“Oh yeah that dude Rhodie and his girl Gina, he’s from Wisconsin and she is from England, what a combo.  They make good cheese though. You ever had Stilton cheese? it’s fantastic,” Mark tells them.

“Well I suggest a road trip then, your right cheese does keep a good long time and before someone else thinks of it we should go get us a big ass bunch of it for survival purposes,” Joey says.

“If we’re going to be heading out we should pack us up a container of weed man, cause I dang near ran out on my last little excursion,” Ray says heading into the house.

“Oh hell yeah, I am gonna fill my fucking pockets up too,” Joey says.

Joey walks in behind Ray and going over to the coffee table, he takes off his shoe and pulls off his sock and begins ramming buds of weed into it. Ray screams and grabs up the salad bowl of weed.

“What the fuck are you doing man? Look dude see these here? This is a giant box of ziplock baggies motherfucker, Come on man!” Ray yells.

“Dude all right calm down Ray, you try going for almost two weeks without weed man. Even stink weed would be better than no weed,” Joey says loading a baggie up completely and stuffing it, along with the sock into his cargo pocket on his pants.

“Luckily we grabbed up a case of Zig-Zags from the store so we have plenty of those.” Chevelle says.

“Yeah I grabbed up a couple of cases of lighters from the store, you want red or blue?” Ray asks.

“Red,” Darren replies walking into the living room.

“Ok let’s see here, Lighters…Check, Weed…Check, Pipe…Check, rolling papers…check. Okay we’ve got everything let’s roll. Ok everyone grab up one of these baggies here and a lighter in case we get separated. You will each have a good day or two worth.” Ray says.

“Amen to emergency supplies,” Mark says.

“Yeah and if you run out just locate Joey he is a walking supply train.” Ray says nodding to Joey, who is busy filling baggies and putting them in each pocket.

“Ok, let’s go,” Dawn says.

They all grab up their weapons and walk out the front door and Dawn yells over toward her house.

“Hey Vish, we are heading over to Rhodie’s farm to see if there is any cheese left. Hold down the fort boy,” She yells.

“Poor guy he never get’s to go anywhere does he?” Ray asks.

“Well Vish is a little goofy so we tend to not let him out often,” Mark explains.

Mark and Dawn climb into the truck with Ray, while Joey, Darren, Chevelle and Candy climb into the truck they had just stolen earlier.

“Mmmm there is that smell again,” Joey says.

“Yeah, yeah new truck smell blah blah, roll us up a joint there, Dealer McDope,” Chevelle says.

“Oh and it’s falling out of your pockets by the way Joey,” Candy observes.

“Yeah, doesn’t mean it’s going to get rolled in his pocket, get busy rolling dude.” Darren says starting up the truck.

“Oh shit, I just realized Darren is going to drive, yeah, I will make is a fatty,” Joey mumbles.

They pull out of the driveway and head up to South street where they take a right and then a quick left on Deadwood Road.  Heading north they pass around a huge fatty. Up ahead of them Mark who is sitting in the bed of Ray’s truck is taking potshots with his shotgun at mailboxes as they pass by, all the while guzzling from a can of Busch.

They pass by several farm houses on the left side of the road and then they come upon a truck wrecked into a tractor. There is blood everywhere and shattered glass all over the road.  There is a trail of blood leading into the field on the right side of the road.  There is a corpse covered in flies and maggots lying across the hood of the truck.

“Well, I don’t think he is going to make it,” Candy says.

“So the doctor says… Wrecked ’em damn near killed ’em both!” Darren says.

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Episode 16: A Green Thumb…

“Holy fucking Jesus nailed to the mother fucking cross!” Joey says gazing in wonder at the halls of weed growing before them.

“That might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever smelt in my entire life,” Chevelle says.

“Well it’s been five days since I was home, I need to crop some buds off these big mother-fuckers,” Rays says grinning at them, “Some of these fellas over there are dried out enough, that we can take those down and smoke them right now.”

“Hallelujah, pass me the clippers,” Darren says with the biggest smile on his face anyone had ever seen.

“Why do they all have nametags Ray?” Candy asks looking at the base of each plant where a tiny tag was pasted with an individual name.

“Why are they all named after porn stars?” Chevelle asks.

“Those aren’t porn stars, well except for that one, she was extra pretty,” Ray replies, “Adopt a plant program folks, just pick you a plant.”

“What made you decide to grown your own weed, and how did you come up with a fucking buried shipping container to grow them in?” Darren asks looking around.

“Well at the last place I lived, my neighbors were complaining about the smell.  So rather than have them follow through with calling the cops and all that, I just moved out here. I took up the pig farming first and foremost because I love bacon, but also because it does cover up the smell of just about anything.” Ray answers as he runs his hands over the plants and trims a bud here and there.

“Now I know where you got the money for the Japanese sex doll! And the rest of this place too I guess, you grow some nice buds here man.  You should be working for NASA or something dude.” Darren says.

Darren takes one of the buds from the hanging plants and proceed to roll himself a huge fat joint on the edge of a planter.

“Join me a sticky fatty?” Darren asks Candy who nods grinning.

After lighting it up and passing it around to everyone, Darren looks around and suddenly says.

“Hey that fucking pig is gonna burn dude!”

Darren runs back out of the container and up the stairs in a flash.  Running over to the spit he turns the handle and sighs as he sees only a slight browning on the lower edge.

“We need some Worcestershire in a big bad way.” Darren says turning the handle.

“Here ya go,” Chevelle says handing Darren a bottle from the pocket of her apron.

Darren splashes some of the sauce all over the pig and hums as he turns the spit and puffing contentedly on his joint.

The sound of a gun firing rips through the silent dusk.

“What the hell?” Chevelle asks pulling a Baretta nine millimeter from her back pocket.

Darren pulls the judge from its holster.

“That was next door,” Darren mumbles.

“What the hell was that?” Ray says coming up the steps from the container followed by the others with a pump-action shotgun in his hands.

“Was that a gunshot?” Joey asks his nine millimeter in his hand and a joint in the other.

“Yeah it came from next door. Sounded like it came from right over there.” Chevelle says gesturing toward the next house with her Baretta.

“Oh hell, Mark and Dawn live over there I sure hope they are ok, they were my best customers and always fed my pigs when I forgot.” Ray says walking that way.

The others follow him to a 6-foot high chain link fence, beyond which a back yard with a tidy garden meets their eyes. Along with two huge Labrador Retrievers. Beyond the dogs growling at them through the fence a couple stands on the back porch of a house, he with a shotgun in his hand and she with a pair of chrome revolvers.

At their feet lying in a pool of blood is an ichor-covered girl of around sixteen or so who in her hands is holding the back half of a cat.  The scratches on her pustule covered face allude to where the front half of the feline went. Her face and hands are covered with the red tinged pus filled sores of the virulent disease the flash had produced but it looked like over each sore was a healthy amount of Calamine Lotion.

“What the hell, did Lorebell get that zombie-shit to Mark?” Ray asks from the fence line.

“Oh hell, Hi Ray, I didn’t know you were home. Uhm, yeah ole Lore has gone where angels dwell my friend.” Mark answers slowly his balding head brown hair, lowered in sorrow.

“Bitch ate my fucking cat, I had to do it man.” The blond woman beside him replies.

“Well that fucking calamine lotion wasn’t stopping it, I don’t think it never was poison ivy no how.” Mark says to her.

“Fuck you Mark, now Ray-Ray, you gonna have to hook me up man I am dying here, please.” Dawn says.

“Why don’t you two hop on over here, the pig is almost done anyways.” Ray says turning back toward the spit.

“Aren’t you going to bury that poor girl?” Candy asks.

“It’s not like she’s going anywhere now ma’am. Sorry if that upset your city-fied morals and such.” Mark says heading for the gate.

“We have another kid, we call him Vish he is uhm, out front watching in case those things show up again.” Dawn says.

“I told you if you started raising pigs they wouldn’t come here,” Ray says.

“And I told you, if I had the money, I would’ve gotten me some pigs for sure,” Mark tells him.

“Well it’s not like you’d have to pay for them anymore, just grab you a truck and go pick ya some up,” Chevelle says.

“Might be I’ll do that, at the moment though let’s have us a few joints and eat all right?” Mark says looking at the pig on the spit.

Candy breaks out a few joints and passes them to the couple, who light up with appreciative sighs of contentment.

“You’ve got one hell of a green thumb Ray, you really fucking do,” Dawn says smiling at him.

“He may have a green thumb, but he’s got a fucking rice cock too.” Joey says.

“What the hell does that even mean?” Darren asks him.

“Well ya know he’s busy letting some Japanese fuck-toy play with his cock man, I’m just sayin….” Joey says.

“The correct term is Pleasure Partner, please,” Ray replies.

Categories: Uncategorized

Episode 15: If you grow it, they will come!

Ray turns north on Deadwood Road and they drive for a few minutes while Joey moons Darren and Candy in the truck following them.  They turn left on South street and follow it to a dirt road which they turn left on.  The dirt road leads them over a bridge and into the woods.

“Are you fucking kidding Ray you live back here?” Joey asks through the back window.

“What? I like my privacy,” Ray answers finally as they pull up in front of an old house and he kills the engine.

“Holy hell, what the fuck is that smell?” Joey says as he jumps out of the bed of the truck.

“Don’t mind the smell that is just the pigs, I use them as camouflage,” Ray announces.

“Goddamn!” Candy says waving her hand in front of her face, trying to attack the smell.

“Wow that smells like walking bacon right there!” Darren yells.

Ray steps up onto the old porch, the weathered boards creak a bit as he steps over to the door.  There are five dead bolts which he produces a ring of keys and unlocks.  All of the windows have metal shutters fastened with padlocks and the chimney has a wire-mesh cage welded to it.

“Welcome to Casa-Del-Ray!” Ray says motioning them to enter.

Candy walks in first and Darren follows her.  She immediately lets out a yelp and runs over and kneels down by the coffee table in front of an old leather over-stuffed couch. On the coffee table is enough weed to have put them all in jail for the rest of their natural lives, before the end of the world happened that is.

“Oh baby! I am home!” Ray yells.

He walks over to the counter by the sink and grabs up a handful of pepperoni sticks from a huge box of beef jerky.

He tosses one to each of them and grabs a few more for himself.  He then walks over and sits down on the couch and sighs.

“Nice to be outta that pit.  All the tools of the trade are under the coffee table there, make yourselves at home.”

“There are limited supplies of the teriyaki jerky so those are mine, but as for the rest you can have as many as you like.  However, don’t eat too much because tonight we are going to slaughter us a pig and have a nice BBQ on the spit out back.” Ray tells them smiling as he takes a bong from the table and loads the bowl.

Candy has rolled up a huge joint from the tray of weed on the table and lights it up and sits back blowing out the smoke contentedly.

Darren has a long thin pipe in his hands from which copious amounts of smoke is flowing as he sits behind Candy blowing smoke in her ears.

“You know if you blow smoke in your ears it will get ya high.  It worked on my cat Groaner anyhow, well until he died,” Darren says.

“I’m not a cat, also I am already baked as hell so good fucking luck,” Candy says.

Joey has been sitting rolling a huge joint as well and when he holds it up it is a double-joint with one place for your mouth and two doobies to light up.

“Hey like Song Remains the Same! Cool light that fucker up!” Chevelle says sitting next to him.

“You saw that movie?” Joey asks her.

“Hell yeah they only played 155,000 times on MTV back in the day,” she replies.

“Right on, I knew I liked you for a reason!” Joey says smiling as he lights up the double-joint.

“You like me because I have huge tits, but that’s ok, your fun to have around,” She replies pushing him over.

Joey takes a huge hit of the joint and tilts his head over, Chevelle leans her head to the side and takes the hit from him and grabs up the joint for herself, when her eyes widen.

Glancing back Joey sees what she is looking at and starts laughing.

“Ray is that a Perfect Doll?” Chevelle says giggling.

Sitting on the recliner to the side of the couch is a Japanese girl with a hat pulled down over her eyes. From her back runs a series of cables over to a computer on a desk next to the chair.

“Yeah that’s my girl AnaRei.” Ray answers her unashamedly claiming the sex-toy as his own.

“Why the fuck is she purple?” Joey asks.

“I like her like that, you leave her alone.” Ray says.

“That’s one of those there imported kink toys, I seen those on my cousins uncles brothers friend’s computer, them thing are expensive man. How did you afford one of those things?” Joey asks.

“Well I have a pretty good way to make some cash, maybe we’ll talk about that later. Right now though, let’s go kill us a pig. I am getting hungry.” Ray says standing up.

“Right on! Lets have some roasted ribs wrapped in bacon goddamn it. I love me a nice BBQ.” Candy says standing up.

“Your mouth is so purty when you say that!” Darren says standing up beside her.

She turns and lightly slaps him across the face smiling.

While holding his cheek Darren says, “What are all those funky wires coming out of your kinky doll’s head?”

“Well ya see, she is one of the new interactive models. Unfortunately she is a bit rough and terrifyingly too interactive.  It seems I don’t actually know how to get her out of some creepy S&M mode she is in.” Ray says laughing as he picks up a machete from the butcher-block counter.

They walk over and Ray unlocks and unchains the back door, and they go out into the yard. The smell nearly knocks them on their asses.

“Holy goddamn fuck what do those things eat…” Joey says coughing.

“Well it’s not so much what they eat, but rather what don’t they eat that matters. I found a hole dug under the fence a few days back but no sign of the dog other than a dog-collar and some tracks.” Ray says giggling.

They approach the squealing pig pen and look down at the 7 or 8 filthy shit-covered fat-ass pigs.

“Well which one catches your fancy?” Ray asks.

“Oh this sow right here looks fat and fucking tasty man, let’s do her!” Joey replies.

Darren grabs his gun out of its holster and prepares to shoot it in the head.

“Wait man, don’t shoot it in front of the others man, they will eat that bitch.” Ray says.

Ray grabs a prod and pokes the pig over until it goes into a little box-like part of the fencing. Which he slides a board into cutting it off from the rest of the pen.

“There ya go see, that was easy enough.” Ray says.

“Now can is shoot em?” Darren asks.

“Fine…” Ray starts to say as the gun goes off and the pig collapses.

“Ok, since you shot him you gotta drag him over to the hook hanging from that limb on the tree here.” Ray says.

Darren grumbles and opens up the end of the pen and tries to drag out the smelly corpse. Ray grabs up the garden hose and begins hosing it off as Darren grabs up a meat hook hanging from the fence and hooking it under the ribs begins dragging it to the tree.

“Don’t spray that shit on me,” Darren says letting the hook go and hopping out-of-the-way.

“Dude you don’t want that kinda flavoring on your dinner, I assure you,” Ray replies.

Ray then goes over to the side of the tree and using a hand crank he lower the hook down to the ground.  Darren lashes its back legs together with some steel wire on a spool by the tree and hooks it on.  Giving Ray a nod he backs up and using the hose washes his hands off.  Candy comes outside with a joint and pops it in his mouth.

“There ya go you pig slayer,” Candy says.

“Puff, Puff, Pass sir loin of beef,” Joey says taking the joint from him.

“Hey gimme that back killing is hard work mother fucker!” Darren replies.

Chevelle comes out with an apron on that says ‘Give the cook a blowjob’, “Check out what I found!”

She has a bottle of Worcestershire in one hand and a bottle of BBQ sauce in the other.

“Says that’s a hell of a recipe right there,” Joey says whistling.

Ray cranks the pig up into the air and they spin it to hose it off completely.  Pulling the machete from his belt he slashes it from crotch to rib-cage. He then spins around in a circle and the head drops to the ground completely severed as arcing blade slices through flesh and bone with a sickening chopping sound.

“You guys wanna see something kinda gross?” Ray asks.

“Grosser then a Japanese doll that jerks you off by remote control?” Candy asks giggling.

“Yeah check this out, pigs I don’t know if your aware, are cannibals,” Ray says and he drags the entrails in a bucket and tosses it into the pen.

The pigs make gleeful grunting noises and make short work of their former comrade’s guts.

Chevelle hands Ray the whisky bottle again and puffs on a joint. Ray takes a swig and hands it back and then relieves her of the joint.  They watch as Joey pulls the knife from his boot and makes a cut in each of the pig’s legs.  Then he grabs the skin and yells Voila and pulls it off in one yank.

“Wow, that boy’s got skills,” Ray announces.

“Yeah he does,” Chevelle says taking the joint back.

Ray grabs up a long spear of metal with a very sharp point on one end.  He then stabs it through the body until it comes out the bottom.  The other end of the pole has a turning handle on it.  They tilt the pig and Joey grabs one end and Darren grabs the other, Ray unhooks it from the cable.  They then take the pig over to the pit and set the pole across the supports.

“Hit that switch over there by the back door someone.” Ray says.

Candy walks over and hits the light switch beside the back door.

The generator begins to hum from the tool-shed and suddenly a flame leaps up out of the pit below the pig.  Ray goes over to the pile of wood by the back of the house and begins throwing logs in the pit.  The others help him and then they smile as the pig begins to cook.

“Ta-da! See if do that because I am lazy and hate kindling,” Ray says gleefully.

“Oh no, everybody panic!” Candy says.

“What? What happened?” Ray asks her as she runs around yelling.

“We are out of weed man!” She screams at him.

“Oh wow, there was half a fucking pound on that table, goddamn I love you people! Ya’ll smoke like me!” Ray says.

Motioning for them to follow Ray leads them off to the edge of the woods. There he pulls up a grid of very fake looking twigs and branches that cover a set of steps leading down to a door.

“What the fuck?” Darren asks.

“I think I’ve seen this movie, yeah no…” Joey says.

“Uhm…” Candy says.

Darrens hand slides slowly to the holster of his Taurus Judge.

“Wait a sec, let me find my keys here….” Ray says digging around in his pockets.

Pulling his key ring out, he selects one and unlocks the door.  Opening it up he says “Here ya go. Welcome to Shang-gre-la-Ray”

He hits a light switch and there, as the lights click on further and further back into the distance, is a huge grow lab, with a veritable jungle of weed.

“If you grow it, they will come,” Darren whispers….

Categories: Uncategorized